Sunday, May 28, 2006

well today is the day, I was looking foward to over six months ago. I am taking a charter trip to Yellowstone with my family. No driving, no searching for place to stay... just sit back and relax... Like I said it was something that I was looking forward to, now it just feals like another day. Actualy it feals kind of worse. It feals like a set up for more dissapointment. I had several people at work tell me that they were just waiting for this day, so when I come back I will be more my old self. Like this is just what is needed to fix me. They tell me not to worry about work, 'what can go wrong that we can not fix without you. You are not that important, no one here is.' I know it is ment to help me relax, but it still was hard to fight my toughts on that from time to time.

I feel nothing. Just another day. A good friend finaly talked to me the other day, last time I talked to her was at the begining of te year. Now she told me what friend ship we had is over. If I want it, I need to get over my cry for attention, and then start over from scratch with her. It woulod have devistated me, but it was just another day. Like if they had told me they are out of fries for my order, I will have to go without.

Well here is to a vacation, no more bitchen from me for oa whole week. Enjoy!


Thursday, May 25, 2006

Yesterday was a good day. I didn't mess anything up, or make any mistakes, even thought I was interacting with people. I had to serve on a hiring committee. I showed up on time, comprehended what people were saying, and made some contributing statements during the deliberation. My boss even appeared to be pleased with me, and was interacting and talking to me.

I didn't get chewed out, didn't mess up, and didn't let anyone down. It was a good day. Let's see if I can't go for two in a row.

My only concern for today is a friend of mine is having her daughter from back east visit, and she is holding a big party for her before she gets married. I want to go, but I am still having a hell of a time in a group, let alone a crowd. I guess I will do my best to show up, meet her, give her my gift (are we supposed to give something for this occasion? I don't know, let alone what to give), and find an excuse to leave right away. I hate having everything I looked forward to before this problem, be something that I now dread.


Tuesday, May 23, 2006

What a hard and draining day. I messed up badly. I hate not thinking rationally. Why am I so damb emotional? Over something as stupid as getting the department goodies right. I am not thinking rationally, and I definitely cant write rationally, so why do I email everyone in the department in print, black and white, my frustrations and displeasure of always messing up lunch? God I am so stupid. I just want to crawl into a hole and disappear forever.

I guess if I had to find some silver lining to thing gigantic ominous cloud, it is that some of my friends came to me and spoke their mind. Fortunately I found out I am perceiving a lot of things wrong. People are trying their best to respect me, and give me space and time. Unfortunately, I may now have messed things up so badly, that any small progress I had made is destroyed. At lest I have a better idea of where I actually used to stand, and it was not as bad as I feared, and talking with some of them, I may not have done as much damage as I fear... I guess time will tell with all things.

Well I lost about 10-15 pounds. I normally am 168-173, now I am 158. My weight loss secrete? Not eating three out of five days at work for the past two weeks. Avoid social activates, and stop consuming alcohol. I guess I got lucky; some people when they become depressed turn to food as a comfort. I lost all appetite and pleasure I used to get from food.My Dr said I have to eat something, granola, yogurt, a fruit, something healthy or my chemical imbalance will be affected even more. So I found some granola fruit bars, and some yogurt I will eat three times a day.

I am dropping out of the department 'goodies day'. Every Friday we would take turns bringing in a treat that we made or feel like sharing. It used to be a time when everyone would take a break and enjoy some down time. It was appreciated. Now it has grown to the point of if you don't bring a 5 course meal, you are cheeping out. Even if you do bring something acceptable, everyone just goes back to their desk and works. It is expected and no longer appreciated. All my prior attempts at bringing something went over as well as a new gas tax increase. This is doing nothing for my depression, or my self esteem, or my good will. So for the time being, I am going to be removed from the list, and stop eating what is brought in. Not like I eat much as it stands, so it shouldn’t be a big change.


Monday, May 22, 2006

Well this weekend was spent doing some cleaning, and playing WoW and Oblivion. I also picked up a copy of New Super Mario Brothers for my DS. It is a lot of fun. It is like they took the best parts of all the Mario games and mashed them into one. I didn't get a lot of sleep; the dog woke me up early both days.

Well today was supposed to be my luncheon for the five year employees. I was supposed to go and be recognized, but I 'forgot' it was today. I got the invite somewhere in one of my desk draws. I'm just too busy to go, and don't really feel like having to smile and pretend there is nothing wrong with me in front of that many of my peers, while the president reads some BS bio on me that everyone could care less about. Still only got two people in the office that even pays me existence any mind.

This week is my turn to bring snacks. It used to be a fun thing, where someone would bring cookies or a little something for breakfast. Then someone brought a 5 course breakfast, and then it grew to lunch, and now if you don't bring a full meal you feel like you skimped out. The other problem is that it used to be enjoyed, with people all laughing and joking and talking. Now if someone decides to eat what was brought, they just take the food and go back to their desk, unless we go out to eat which sticks one person with the bill. No one complains, my only problem is it used to be nice and appreciated. Now it is just expected and very little of the food is eaten. I am not sure if it is just because we are understaffed and under a lot of pressure, I don't think it is just because of me being depressed... This had been happening long before that.

I think I will take a poll of the office. See what their wildest desire is. That way at lest I can have one snack day that I did that they will enjoy, before I opt out of this snack thing all together.


Thursday, May 18, 2006

I am loosing weight. I realized this a few days ago when I went to tighten my belt and I easily went past the notch I usually use. I guess I should weigh myself; usually I am about 168-170ish. As you can guess, I still don’t have my appetite back on a consistent basses. Some days I don’t feel like eating. Other days I am hungry, but for what I have no clue.

I still don’t feel like I get any sleep. My head hits the pillow, and I go out, but I don’t wake up refreshed. I am just groggy and tired all day. I am getting about 6-7 hours of sleep. Maybe I just have too much of a sleep debt.

My counselor is still positive and hopeful, pointing out places where I have improved. She said that I am doing well with walking every day, but I need to make sure I get 6-9 hours of sleep, and eat three times a day. Even if I am not hungry, I need to eat a granola bar, or something health, because food also will affect my chemistry balance and mood.

Well today ends this damb horrid Classified Appreciation Week (aka how popular are you, did you get nominated for anything week). I didn’t go to any of the events. I didn’t get nominated for any category. Another event I used to enjoy, now just rubs in my face how fucking alone, appreciated, and forgotten I am.


Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Monday I didn’t eat. No one in the office talked to me or acknowledged my existence except to chew me out for something. I just can’t seam to do anything right.

Tuesday was a little bit better. The other programmer was in, and he still talks to me about projects, and games, and stuff. I feel like I am a leper, an out cast, a freak that everyone wants to just ignore.

When my boss addressed the whole office, she called everyone by name, except me. She called me ‘everyone.’ She did this a couple time in the day. I wanted so bad to say, “My name is not ‘everyone’, I have a name, or did you forget this freaks real name?”

This morning when I came to work, my key didn’t work on the door. My first thought was, ‘They forgot to give me a pink slip.’ I was expecting security to open the door, and escort me off the grounds. But when the door opened, there was no security, just a coworker saying that the lock is messed up.


Monday, May 15, 2006

I don't even have my computer started and I am already getting in trouble for messing up. I called in Friday like I was asked to check up on the status of something, but I got in trouble for not talking to the boss. Well today is off to a bad start, had the potential to go either way. Don't have much hope for the rest of the week.

Well at least my existence was acknowledged.


Thursday, May 11, 2006

Well today started off good, but ended badly. I didn’t get my time sensitive project done today. I offered to skip E3, but my boss wouldn’t allow it. She said she will just give it to the other programmer to fix. If he can’t get it done, I will have to come in on the weekend to finish it. So now I may also mess up the Mother’s day plans that were made.

No mater how hard I try, I just keep failing. Several projects that I have worked on had to be given or shared with the other programmer to get it done. He is the miracle worker, he can get things done. Something that I spent all day trying to figure out, he can fix in ten minuets. I am becoming useless in my bosses eye. Even when I can help out and give some input on a project, I was treated as if I was just an annoyance, and nuisance that is found on the bottom of a shoe. I am sure that if anyone but me had offered the same insight, they would have been praised for saving hours or research, and helping them identify a solid answer. Not me, I am a pain, I am sticking my nose where it is not wanted, I am not showing enough faith in their abilities, I am not letting them grow, I am a failure. I feel so impotent...

I guess it is a good thing I am not married. I could just image after a night of passion, she would say," Don't worry, you tried your best. The pool boy will be over tomorrow to do what you can't".

I don't even want to go to E3 at this point... Something that I have looked forward to one day doing for the last five years.

Tomorrow I am going to E3!

One of my friends commented that my mood this week has been like night and day in comparison to last week. I am not feeling as useless, or empty. I got complemented on a job well done by my boss for a few projects. I also helped my brother get a counseling appointment because I know one of the counselors (not that I have pull, we talk about cars all the time). I participated and gave some input during some meetings without feeling overwhelmed or lost.

My counselor gave me some toys to put on my desk the other day. She suggested that I find things that give me a message. They are little wire toys that balance precariously on perches. They are to remind me that life is about balance. Life goes round and round, up and down all the time, but if I hold on, trust in God, ride it threw with my friends, and put a little energy into it everything can work out.


Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Well my appetite is starting to come back. However I still am not craving anything, which makes it hard when I decide what to eat. I am also starting to notice people and things again. Before Cathleen Zeta Jones could have walked right past me, and I would never have noticed. Even if she had tried to talk to me, I wouldn’t have registered it unless she said my name. So things are getting better. There will be good days, there will be bad days; however there are finally good days again.

I was in a committee today, and didn’t get too lost or overwhelmed. I was able to add my two cents to the mix every once in a while.


Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Well today I go to see my counselor. I am feeling pretty good right now actually. This is a bit surprising with everything that has happened. I don’t think I will invite my friend/boss to come with me to any of my appointments, or talk to her about my condition anymore. I am afraid from what she told me about my job, she may be looking for ammo now to get rid of me. It is really hard, and I am a bit torn. I never would think of her doing something like this, but when she told me my job was in jeopardy, I am not sure anymore. Yesterday, she was trying to be supportive, telling me I had done a good job, that things were just stressful last week (which is true registration is starting this week), and trying to talk to me like before. I just don’t know. I don’t really talk to anyone in the office now. This is really hard; they were all like family before. The good news is that my real family is being extremely supportive of me, and fighting my negative thoughts, or justifying me.

I picked up a copy of Sid Meier's Pirates the other day and was playing it last night. It was a blast. It was easy enough to pick up and get started, 90% of the controls are with the number pad. It is open ended so I could be a good citizen and play as a merchant trader, pirate hunter, and security escort. I could also go all out pirate and attack any ship I want, capturing it to my fleet, sinking it, or plundering it. There are four main countries in the game that you can earn recognition from depending on your deeds, and actions. It has been a lot of fun so far and well worth the $20.


Monday, May 08, 2006

I think I finally figured out a way for me to be ok with the problems that I find are causing my work performance to suffer. I will compare it to football.

First why did I get tackled by depression? Well, everyone can take things differently. Some people are the line backers; they can take and give a lot of punishment. They could get dog piled by the offensive line (stress, family problems, work issues, change) and get right back up and keep playing. A quarter back is not as likely. Is it his fault? No. There is no way he can physically take that kind of punishment; he is not built that way.

Second why am I not performing as well as I used to? By using the analogy I have above, I just got dog piled. Sometimes something gets injured. Some football players will get a sprained ankle, and they are benched for the rest of the game/season. Other players break a hand, and keep on playing. They can’t let the team down, can’t be substituted, won’t give in due to pride, or what ever. They keep on playing, but they are not as tops as they used to be, their game suffers some. They may have to adjust some to compensate or work around the injury, like holding the ball different, or making different plays than they usually do. But they cope, and the team adjusts to make the touch down. They may not win every game, or make the Supper Bowl, but they give it their best.

I need to find what I need to do to compensate. Right now it is writing notes on everything. A list of everything I need to do. Repeat back my assignment. I think my family is learning to adjust to help with the ‘play’ and so are some of my co-workers. I just need to make it work for this season.

Well I got to sleep in all weekend. I also played a little bit of WoW, Oblivion, Ninja Gadien, and Destroy all Humans. My Xbox is making a grinding noise when the disks spin, darn; I may have to get an Xbox 360 soon. Lol.

I had forgotten how much of a comfort a dog can be. They never yell, or jump to conclusions. They don’t care if I messed something up, couldn’t get anything right, or forgot something important. They don’t care if I can’t form a coherent sentence, or if I just babble on for hours. They are happy to see me. They don’t try to hide their feelings, or lie to me. They don’t get impatient with me. They just understand something is not right, and are willing to let me hold them and cry. They try to make everything ok by licking my tears away, like they are saying “It’s ok, I still love you no mater what happens. I don’t understand, but I want to help.” I thank God for my dogs.

Well I guess the new hourly didn’t quit. She is back. It took me a while to realize it was her. I am aware of a person’s presence, but I don’t care to realize who they are, it is like I am zoned out. I do the same thing with people talking, I know someone is saying something, but I don’t process any of it unless I hear them call my name. Then I somehow am able to recall what they said in my brain’s buffer. Yet I have a hard time when lessoning to someone, processing, and remembering as they rattle on. I also don’t care to know what I am eating, when and if I eat. That makes for some odd restraint moments. I don’t care what I eat, so I figure I should just order what I normally order.


Sunday, May 07, 2006

Yesterday I went to Panda Express for lunch with my family. I ended up becoming one of those customers that hold up everything and slow down the line. I didn’t mean to, but everything I did end up slowing everything down. First problem was I had a gift card I wanted to use, and the poor casher had to pull out a sheet with like 59 steps she had to do to redeem it. Then I made the mistake of paying the rest of the balance with a roll of quarters, and the poor girl had to count out it all out. To finish it all off I had ordered with the meal a Panda Cares stuffed animal for helping the Katrina victims. Wouldn’t you know, she had to go to the back and find a new box with them… All the while the line keeps growing and some of the food line employees had to stop serving to be second casher. Luckily no one in line got upset, or yelled, because I think I would have lost it and started crying. When the girl gave me the bear and the food I apologized for being such a problem, and she just looked at me confused. My dad told me that I didn’t do anything wrong. It isn’t my fault they made the gift cards so hard to use, nor is it my fault that people are dishonest with rolled coins, nor is it my fault there are so many people that want to help buy getting a Panda Cares plush that they can’t keep a stock of them at the front. He was right, and it was nice to hear him remind me of all that. I must have been quite a sight, a grown man eating orange chicken, cradling a stuffed panda in my arm.

I visited with my grandparents after lunch. It was such a help to talk to my grandmother about what I am going threw and felling. I don’t even have to worry about making sense, because she gets it. She had been down this road herself for years. She under stands what I am going threw before I can even finish my thought. It was such a comfort to talk to someone that understands, and can validate that I am not crazy, or scary. It was amazing how many things started to make sense in my mind once I voiced it. Writing my thought down in this blog that no one reads helps me to get all my thoughts out of my head and that helps the rest of my day. But just talking to someone that listens to and understands and doesn’t jump to conclusions and that I don't upset is so much more comforting. I can talk to my best friend and coworker about some of this stuff because he to has been down this same road, but I worry about putting him in a hard position with the rest of the office.

I am still not sure what to do about my friend and boss. I go to see my counselor on Tuesday, maybe she will come with me to my appointment and the counselor can help answer some of her confusion and worries. Because I can't make sense and I don’t want to loose another friend.


Saturday, May 06, 2006

Yesterday wasn't a very good day for me. My boss wanted to take everyone out for lunch for Cinco de Mayo, but I didn't go. I didn't eat anything until I got home and forced myself to eat some stew. I just didn't feel hungry, and didn't feel like exerting the energy to do something that I no longer find enjoyable. I could eat dog food or tri tip and it wouldn't make any difference to me. I feel like a robot on auto pilot, just going threw motions of the day.

Damb this is so frustrating. I had one good week, and then the next week was just muggy for me. It could have been because of the weather, it could just be me fluctuating, I don't know. But last Friday I had a hard time waking up, and I was more emotional than normal. So I figured I didn't have any meetings, had finished my part of the project that was now given to the users for testing (which they never get to until weeks later with every other project. I still have at least ten projects that have been in testing status some of them are over a year), and I felt I couldn’t give work the focus I should, so I too the day off and spent some time outside in the sun. I was feeling a lot better when I came in Monday, but I could tell my boss was upset and disappointed in me. I hate to disappoint her, it breaks my heart to see that I have done something to cause her trouble.

Later in the day we started to talk, she has been my support threw this whole ordeal. She was the one that encouraged me to see a Dr. We tried to figure out why last week was not a good week. When we got to the department lunch we had Thursday, I admitted I wasn't comfortable during it. She started to jump to conclusions, and I got overwhelmed. I couldn’t think fast enough to form intelligent sentences and it just got over blown. I wanted to tell her wasn't comfortable in groups, I get lost in the conversations, I can't keep up, everyone is laughing and having a good time, and I get lost and feel out of the loop. I was just expecting it to be lunch with her and one other close friend. But I couldn't, I couldn't grasp that idea and form it into a comprehensive sentence. I think all I did was just frustrate her more because of my inability to do so, and all her confusion and frustrations with me just came out. She doesn’t know what to do with me, isolation out of the office, administrative leave, demotion, and my job is in jeopardy.

All week long this has been on my mind. There has only been one other person that was placed in a separate office, then administrative leave, and then was let go. This was a person the whole office was afraid of. Is anyone in the office afraid of me? I haven’t seen the hourly employee that was helping with the office paper work. Has she left because of me? I haven’t said more than hello and shake her hand when my boss introduced us. I don't know. All I do know is that my boss was not the first to get frustrated with me. My other friend told me that I was wearisome to be around, that this whole problem started when I was invited to go to Mexico with them, and that having a Christmas party was probably a mistake. Later she told me she didn’t mean it, and still liked having me as a friend, but she doesn’t call me on the weekend any more or return my call like she used to.

I don't know what to do. Maybe I have been too much of a burden on my friends, and maybe I am too much of a moral buster for a already stressed out, and understaffed office. I just don't know what to do. If I quit my job, things may be better for the office, but they would just be more understaffed and I wouldn't be able to continuer my medical treatment for this potently fatal illness. Also I would be giving into this illness and giving up on something that at one time I loved, and looked forward to the next morning to go to work. I don't want to give up; I just don't know what to do but continue to give it time hold out for the sun to break threw the clouds.

I just found out I forgot to charge my cell. It had a voice mail from my boss, when they were at lunch. She wanted to know if I would like her to bring me something back... Great, now I am going to short out my keyboard...


Friday, May 05, 2006

Well I forced myself to eat some bread and a piece of chicken last night. Wasn’t because I was hungry, but because I know I have to eat, or I will get in trouble for taking more sick days if I end up in the hospital. I don’t feel anything lately. Just hallow.

Now before anyone jumps to conclusions about my boss, I need to make myself clear. She has been my best friend, and has stuck with me for a lot of problems I have been threw and caused. So for her to threaten my job, I must be really getting to her and frustrating her, or I have done something really wrong that I am not aware of. That is what really hurts. Not the idea of loosing my job, but the fact I have lost one of my biggest supports in this dark time.


Thursday, May 04, 2006

Let’s see, I took down all my posters I had up a few weeks ago, and took home most of the desk toys I had scattered all over. At the time it was because I thought I was being relocated. After a while it started just feeling right having a bear and empty cubical… When I was happy and fun, I had a lot of happy and fun stuff all around me because it felt like me. Now with an empty office, it feels right, empty just like how I feel. It is actually comfortable. So this morning I just finished packing my draws of all my extra junk I had left. So I will either feel more comfortable, plus if I am relocated it is less work for me to do that day.

I am lessoning to some music again. I stopped playing music in my car a long time ago, and stopped playing music at the office. I am not sure if it is good or not, but it is mostly songs from Bon Jovi’s Crossroad CD, and Ozzy. They feel a little comforting, giving my feelings words.

I am falling asleep as soon as my head hits the pillow, yet when I wake up I feel as if I got no sleep what so ever. It is a bit frustrating. I am not a morning person as is, and this is not making it any better. At lest now I am actually getting my eyes closed and sleeping, I just wish I could feel like I slept.


Wednesday, May 03, 2006

Solitary confinement… That is one of the possibilities that is floating around for me. Placed in my own office away from all the other co-workers. Well I guess it shouldn’t be that bad, I don’t really talk to anyone, at least the coworkers I haven’t been forbidden from interacting with. I don’t think I have even said two words to the new hourly, afraid that I will say or do something wrong. So if I just sit her in my little corner, and leave everyone alone, it can’t be much different than solitary confinement. I depress, discourage, make uncomfortable, and frustrate everyone I am around, some more than others. Maybe it would be best. Not even the coworker I have been partnered up with to walk 30 minuets a day will remind me of our walk. I think I will just stop asking him about walking, and just walk by myself. Some other group will pick him up to their group, it has happened to everyone else that doesn’t have a partner for a day. Everyone except me. I don’t blame anyone, I mean who wants to be around someone that is mentally ill?

Well atleast I ate something yesterday. My friend and fellow programmer invited me to lunch. Other words I don’t think I would have eaten anything yesterday either.

I wonder at times if the medication is working. I think it is. I mean, my weekends are finally fine. I think it is just the discouragement, and frustrations I see everyone around work going threw with me is just too much for any medication to counter. I just disappoint everyone I am around and I can never get anything right. I take too long to do something, I forget something, I loose track of time, I get distracted easy, I am oblivious to everything happening in the office, I don’t interact, I can’t communicate well, and the list can go on and on. I guess if things are better on my weekends, and things are a little more bearable for me at work, than that is some improvement. Give it more time the Dr. said, I have been suffering with depression for months, if not years, and one month is not going to cure it.


Monday, May 01, 2006

Well I guess it was bound to happen. My boss told me I am in danger of loosing my promotion. I still get work done, but not at the level that I used to. Pluse I took three sick days this month. Two days I was stuffed up, head about to exsplode sick, right befor a big project was due; and the third time I just called in sick because I would be no good to anyone with the mood I was in. I can't blame here, how would someone put up with an employee that was given a promotion and is only depressed most of the time? Funny, I felt no different when she told me this than I had the rest of the day. Not exactly how I exspect to feel when this job means the world to me. Maybe I will just cry myself to sleep tonight, or maybe the tears won't come, who knows.

This is so frustrating! For one week I was feeling more like my old self again. I was looking people in the eye, grinning a little, feeling good, and even enjoying myself a little when our department went out for lunch… This seamed to be some major progress considering I found excuses to ditch out on the last three department lunches. Then for some reason last week I fell back in this pit and I don’t know why. Nothing changed at home, the office, or in my life. I just started to get depressed again. The Dr. said it may be the weather, being overcast and rainy, or it may be nothing more than just something chemical going on in my body. She said we can increase my medication, but I am not sure if that is what is needed considering I had done well earlier. I don’t know but it sux and I don’t understand it and it frustrates me. There is no good reason I should be depressed right now, but I am.

It’s painful having my friends try to figure out if what they are saying or doing is helping or hurting me. It is depressing not being talked to or asked out to lunch. I know it only make sense, who in their right mind wants to spend time with a depressed nut? It doesn’t make any sense that I am sitting here with a cheese burger and my favorite season fries and I have only forced myself to take three bits and munch on a few fries. I only had half a cup of milk for breakfast, and forgot about having lunch. I am loosing track of time, and didn’t even realize when my boss left for the day even thought she has to walk right past me. It hurts to even hear people laughing and having a good time, because I used to be a big part of that, now I have a hard time even laughing at what should be a really good joke. I can’t stop my leg from twitching for the last few weeks, even thought my big toe is now starting to hurt.

It makes no sense; I got a promotion to the position that is basically what I have been doing for the last year or so. So I am not doing anything that I have never done before. I don’t have any major new responsibilities. My boss, God bless her, is trying her best to work with me threw this depression instead of firing my ass like she should. Maybe I should take her up on the idea of relocating me to a separate location away from anyone. At least then I won’t be depressing anyone else in the office, making anyone feel uncomfortable, or driving anyone crazy with my constant thumping. Maybe with me gone my coworkers can get back to normal and having fun again. Enjoying there work, not wondering if they should go to lunch, or talk and have a good time, because they don't want to involve me. I just don’t know.


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