Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Wow, things have been busy. The other weekend I helped my sister move back into her dorm at UCI. She is totally stoked for the new quarter. My programming friend/coworker went off on vacation last week, right after patching. No big problems came up, and the few that did show up, we were able to take care of them.

My old ‘friend’ came up last week and gave me a t-shirt with a black lab on it. Thanked me for letting her borrow the memory stick for her camera, and said she will get it back to me soon. She said that her dog is doing ok, and that she is busy catching up with catching up on hanging out with her friends. I didn’t see her again until we bumped into each other in the parking lot. She was bemoaning how the waiter recognized her friend, but not her. I think this is the first time someone has not recognized her. She is a very memorable person. All I could say is that she must just not be getting out much.

I got my memory stick back. My boss gave it to me. I guess she asked my boss to get her pictures off of it and give it back to me. After I got the t-shirt, my boss was asking me what I thought of her now. I guess that is a valid question, since I had been very unstable and changing my feelings for a person off of every action they did. I explained to her that I still feel the same as before. I don’t know where the friendship stands, if it can be called that anymore. My boss/friend is trying to understand, and I can see it saddens her to hear this from me, but it has been hell for me to get to this point. It is has been hell every time I think about, hear about, or see her; because I do not know. However, I am at a place now where it is not as painful. I had to get to a place where I don’t care. I don’t care because caring and wondering was tearing me up inside. I can’t tear myself up over someone that probably doesn’t even give me a second thought. I have seen, meet, and heard how she treats other people that used to be as close a friend as I was. I don’t want to be those people.

Like one of the guys in our group told me. It is like credit with a bank. I have damaged my credit with them, and now I need to work to try and fix it. Ok, fair enough. I have tried to talk to, have lunch, or just interact on small scales with all of them on individual levels. They forget lunch, leave me standing waiting, say they don’t have time, or will spend the time they are talking to me about how much fun they had with the group the other day. Well, I think the thing he forgot to understand is that the flip side of the credit analogy is the reaction of the ‘customer’ to the ‘bank’ when they keep getting shafted. They become disenchanted with the bank when they keep getting ‘turned down’ and go looking for another bank that will accept that ‘customer’, mistakes and all, or the person will rely on himself. Well I tried, now I am shopping around and relying on myself.

One day at a time.


Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Well I just got a phone call from the old 'friend' who borrowed the memory stick from. She wanted to let me know she is back safe at home, and that she will bring me my memory stick tomorrow. She went on about how her dog’s leg is doing and how worried she was about him on her trip. She also threw in that she has a 'present' (is that a souvenir?) for me that she will bring up, and her daughter said to tell me 'hey.'

I just told her I was glad she was able to use the memory, glad her dog is doing well, and glad that her flight just came in safe. She then told me she has been back for a week now, and she just thought I was concerned about her not coming to work because of the fire. Now normally she would be right, I would be calling her up like the last time there was a fire out by her neck of the woods. Problem is I didn’t know she was back, and second I deleted her phone number a few weeks ago. Shortly after I lent her the memory, I guess it is a bit of closing.

I am not holding my breath on seeing her any time this month, let alone seeing her tomorrow. If I do see her, I will be plesent as I am with everyone else, there is no reason not to be. If she wants to give me something, I will thank her for it. I will not go for a walk, out to eat, or make any plans. Why? Because I am finished with being strung along, and then having the fact that I am not invited to anything be rubbed in my face. Why do I want to hang out with them? They just get drunk, and ignore me anyways.

Everything else is going pretty well. I twiddled with my project car for the first time in over a year. I wouldn’t dare work on it before. I had no real desire, and I knew any problems she gave me would just lead to frustration. She started up and ran fine. I just had to shoot some carburetor cleaner in it. I will try to get her cleaned up and see how she behaves around town.

My grandparents are doing ok. Work is going well. Life is much better. My sister is going back to UC Irvine this weekend. I need to squeeze in some more time with her.

One day at a time...


Monday, September 11, 2006

A moment of silence, for all the families and people affected by this tragic day. You have not been forgotten....


Thursday, September 07, 2006

Well today I went and asked for my photo album back. It was given to me last year for Christmas and has all the photos of the fun things we used to do. I am ready to have it back, to pack away with all my other old, lost memories of yester year. This is a hard step. Now I owe no one nothing, and they have nothing which to try and hang on to me by. Beside the memory stick, which I don't care if she keeps...

Even when I went down to get it, he was stringing me along. Said that maybe we can get something to eat next week when things settle down. I expected him to say it. He is the 'nice guy' that doesn’t like conflict or hurting someone’s feelings. He just wants to have fun. So it is easier to keep dangling hope in front of someone than just say 'screw you.'

Good by, so long. Maybe some year when someone doesn't believe that I actually went to Mexico or had corn rows I can dig this out and prove to them. It is a good reminder of the difference between a 'friend' and 'true friend.' I heard someone the other day say that 'a friend is just an enemy in disguise, being nice to use you up at their connivance'... I guess 'TRUE' is a negate operator when it comes to friends, like 'NOT' in programming. Live and learn, then move on.


Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Well everyone is back from the wedding. My boss brought some souvenirs for everyone! That was really nice. She is happy, so that is good.

I am actually doing pretty damb good. I am not worrying too much about my old 'friend' calling me to mooch my Costco card, or go on and on about how much fun she had (how much fun I missed out on). I actually deleted her phone number a while ago. I figured out, and am comfortable with where I stand, and what I need to do. I feel pretty good. It is almost like I am finally getting over a one night stand, I used to talk and beg to hang out with her, I used to go home and cry after doing lunch with her. I knew that she only wanted me to use me. So now I am moving on...

One day at a time.


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