Old School Gamers

It’s still very hard. It is still very much so a struggle. The beginning of the day is not bad, but by the end of the day I am fighting my demons. The beginning of the week is not bad, but by the end of the week I am exhausted from the struggle within.

Today I am struggling with being wanted. The only thing I feel I am wanted for is to fix something or do a favor for someone. I don’t even unpack my little tool bag, because I know that I will need to use it soon for someone else. Some days I wonder why I even have a phone. I most of the calls I get are from telemarketers, and a few of them are friends. When it is a friend, I know that sooner or later the conversation will come to a question about something that needs to be fixed, or installed. It can be anything from a car, house, computer, and most things in-between. People rarely call me to talk, or see if I want to do something fun, unless they are returning my call to do so.

Maybe the next telemarketer I should ask if they want to hang out, shoot some pool, go bowling, or something. I could meet them half way, even thought that may be a bit expensive due to gas prices if it is out of state. So I would probably offer to meet them, saving them money. Or maybe I will just tell them to give me a call if they are within a hundred miles of my town. They obviously know my phone number. Maybe the telemarketers will stop calling me as much, just like most of my friends have.

It didn’t always be so. I used to get called and invited to all sorts of things. I guess that is bound to change when I am no longer any fun…


Funny, I wrote the above this morning and didn’t get around to posting it. Now, I am felling a little bit better. However I am still tired, and still struggling. I made breakfast for the department. The first time I have done something like that for a very long time. It felt a little weird, mostly because I didn’t know how people would react to it. Everyone seamed happy, and one person made comment that it was nice to see me do this again. I guess it felt nice, it felt kind of good, it felt like I made another step forward, I feel like I have a bit more hope that I am not a screw up.

Mr. Fix-It, Mr. Dependable, Mr. Sucker, Mr. Push-Over. I go by many names. No one ever thinks about me until something breaks, or someone needs a favor, or is in a bit of a jam. People never think of me when it comes to parties, lunch, having fun, hanging out, catching a movie, getting a drink, or anything else fun. Nope, I am just the 'Nice Guy,' the 'Welcome Mat'

Why do I put up with it? It is the only thing I am useful for. Atleast I am useful and wanted around sometimes...

Communicating, such a simple little thing can make such a huge difference. Today I had a meeting with two coworkers to try to improve some things in the office. I appreciate, and want any feed back that I can, I want to improve, I want people to feel comfortable around me again, I want things to be ok again, I want to repair some of the damage I have done. Last week I was flying solo, and it scared the shit out of me to do so. I know I made mistakes, I know that I made some growth; I just hope I made more progress than I did mistakes. There was a lot of things covered, a lot of things I need to try to keep in mind. They both said they don’t want o overwhelm me, but they want to try to work things out. It was a little overwhelming, I hope I remember most of it, but I will write down some of it. Writing helps.

I found out that I am doing better, that people can see it, and people appreciate and are happy to see it finally. They are even a bit excited. That was the most encouraging things I have heard in a very, very long time. It is what I need to focus on, and keep in mind. That ya, I messed up, everyone does, but it is OK, it is OK, and people understand and are willing to forgive me for it. I need to chill, and focus on that. They want me to focus on that most, and try to be myself. Focus on myself, and not worry about everyone else. Try to be happy with myself, and be happy with being me again. Forgive myself; I am the only one that is holding me from fitting in and being apart of the team again. Stop second guessing myself and doubting myself.

Everyone is different. What one person may find helpful may just be an annoyance to another. I know this sounds very fundamental, and basic. But I didn’t get it. Ya, I didn’t get something that should be fundamental and basic, something that at one point I knew without having to think about it. It feels like I am starting over, and it is really frustrating to see something that should be so simple, wasn’t obvious to me right now for some reason. However, one of the things I am coming to terms with is that for me, little fundamental stuff, can be a monumental concept to try to grasp, or remember, or come to terms with, or that I have to relearn. Some things I didn’t have to start over with, other things have stayed with me. I have had to learn many new ways to cope with things, until it started to come back. But it is coming back, bit by bit. It was like a large part of my life had collapsed all around me with this depression shakeup. It really affected me a lot, because it was so alien to me, I got frustrated with things, I wasn’t being me, I wasn’t understanding the things and feelings that I was going threw, and it made no sense at all, I felt like I got slipped Dr. Jekyll poison, and was turning into Mr. Hyde. I don’t like this analogy too much, because it sounds like I am not in control, and like I am trying to come up with excuses. I am not; I take full responsibility for my actions, because ultimately I am responsible for how I act. It is just the closes I can explain how I feel, what I went threw, how much out of control I felt of my own feelings and emotions, and how overwhelmed I was with myself. Now I am left to accept my losses, come to terms that this did happen to me and that it is real, seek help and guidance to try and clean up and find what valuables and structure I can salvage, accept that some people can help, be grateful for the ones that are helping, and keep in mind that some people may help me put one brick of my life back on top of the other well others may come around later to help with the furnishing. Ok, maybe a really bad analogy, but basically, remember that the people that are willing to help me, may not be as noticeable, or may not be ready to help out right now. It doesn’t mean they don’t care, they may just be helping out in their own small way, or may not be ready to help, or I may not be at a point in my ‘rebuild’ to have their help.

I need to let go. Yes, I am doing better with being professional and communicating, however I need to also understand that part of being professional with someone is letting go of something when I entrust then with it. I didn’t know that it was insulting to some when I check back with them, either from my curiosity, or from my desire to try and get some feedback, it doesn’t matter my reason, it is still insulting to some. I also need to be willing to let go of my past mistakes, and hardest of all, let go of how things used to be. Life is always changing, and people change too, and some people do not hold a grudge. So I need to work on that. I need to remember that things will not be the same, no mater how much I enjoyed sitting on a beach, drinking beer and hiving a good time, that may not ever be possible again. And it may not be just because of what I had gone threw, or done. There are other complications to the friendship that we enjoyed, like having time, crossing professional and friend boundaries, and even spending too much time together to where it wasn’t special anymore. So it may not be all me; however I did have a part in it. I have to start over, hope for the best, find where I stand, and make the most of it. Thankfully, it sounds like there is some hope of salvaging maybe an after work beer, or maybe having a lunch together possibly some time. I don’t know, and I don’t want to rush anyone, including myself. That is hard, because I am so excited, I am finally after all these months, seeing some hope of being me again, however I need to remember that things will not be like they were, just because I am better. I also can’t get my expectations up, because I don’t want to possibly crash too badly right now. I need to get back into it again, but I need to be ok with taking it slow. Like after an auto accident, I need to get back behind the wheel. I may not want to jump right onto the freeway, I may not be ready yet to take passengers with me, and people may not want to be a passenger yet. I need to be patient with myself, and respectful of others.

I need to keep in mind to communicate important things, which I am doing better with. I need to improve on how I communicate with people though. I need to remember that some people prefer an email, and others prefer that I wait or come back later when they are not busy. However depending on the importance, exceptions are alright.

I don’t need to apologize for everything. I thought I was doing the right thing by apologizing for my mistakes, but things that I perceive as a mistake, others may not see as such. It can then be more insulting, and annoying to them. That was a good thing to find out, because I never dreamed that an apology for something little can be more of an insult than a help.

I am doing better, but I still need to work at empowering others. I need to let them make changes, or fix things on their own. No mater how much I may want to help, I need to trust that they will ask for help, when and if they need it. If I give too much information, I am insulting them. If I give too little, they will ask. Finding this out hurt most of all, because it is now one of the few things that mater to me. I don’t want to hold anyone up from achieving their full potential. I don't want to stifle, or hold someone back. I really don't. So I found out that I didn't do as bad as I feared, I just hovered, and gave too much info. We agreed that if they say, 'I got it' let them be. If they say 'drop it', I am on my way to getting a bitch slap.

Above all else, don’t say that she broke something. It slipped out, I didn’t even realize I had said it, but I did. I need to work on remembering that some things may have been funny at one point, but I need to learn to read people better on when it is getting old.

There is hope. There is truly hope. I am more hopeful, and will strive to keep what I have learned in mind. They said that it is ok if I mess up, just try, try to remember, try to improve, try to relax, try to get better, try to do better, and try to remember that no one is mad at me, I haven’t messed up that badly, I am a valuable member of the team, I do bring something to offer, I do make a difference, I do earn my keep, and some of the things I thought I messed up by wasn't even noticed. People have been more than tolerant and understanding. There is some misunderstanding, however they are willing to try and work with me on it. They see that part of the problem is that I just may not see something the same way they do, however they like me enough to try and work it out with me. They still like me, no one hates me. Some things never stop to amaze me. I hope they do not see that as an insult, because it truly isn’t intended as one. I just am not used to working in an environment where mistakes are tolerated, and people that make them are tolerated. Wow, I think I just put my finger on something. Wow.

Last night I ‘kidnapped’ my sister form all her packing and preparations for her return to college. I took her out to see Cars, have Stone Cold ice-cream, cruse, talk, and have a good time. It has been a very long time since we have been able to spend some time together. I never realized how worried she has been for me. The last few time we have talked on the phone, or she has been home, I had been in the beginning of my depression treatment. I guess it really worried and upset her for me to be that way. I am so glad that I am finally feeling better and that we were able to laugh and have fun together for the first time this year.

It almost didn’t happen. I almost got stuck having to pull overtime. We are on a skeleton crew as is, plus we have two people on vacation this week, and to top it off one person was out sick. So before I knew what was happening, one of my coworkers was on the phone with the big boss, arranging for me to work overtime. I couldn’t believe it, my one chance to do something with my sister was being trumped by a job responsibility. I don’t know why, or how, but the one other co-worker jumped in and offered to work the late shift so I could leave at my regular time. I am very grateful to her, she never had to, and I wouldn’t blame her for just wanting to screw me over, she would have every right to for the way I have treated her during my moodiness. She is a good person, and has been very professional with me, even thought I had messed up the friendship we once had.

I am excited. I am feeling a lot better. I am getting over with, and dealing with my moodiness quicker than before. I have hope for the first time in a long time of getting back to being me. The fun loving, teasing, happy go luck guy with a twinkle in his eye guy that I once was. I have been laughing, smilling, participating with the office, venturing out of the office and home, teasing my sister, and feeling a lot more at ease. I still have times where I have problems, but they are getting more manageable, and fewer. I want to jump into the way it was… However that may never be possible. I had hurt a lot of feelings, upset a lot of people, and damaged or destroyed some friendships. I guess now the second hardest part of the journey begins. The part where I see what survived the fire I created, and what will grow back. I know it will never be the same, but there is some hope, hope of renewal, and hope of new starts, but there is sadness of what was lost and may never be recovered again... One day at a time...

I was going to go down to the cafeteria to see if there was anything that sounded good today. On the way I stopped by a friend’s office to see how she and her mother were doing. We talked a little and then she asked if I had lunch planes. Cool.

Well I lost track of time and we talked and eat. It was nice. I asked her if she would mind if we grab a pie to bring back to the office, and she said, ‘only if I can have a piece.’ She picked out a banana cream pie. Everyone at the office enjoyed it, and even thanked me for bringing it. That felt really good to be able to do that again. To be able to do something that people enjoyed and were happy and joking a little. It damb near brings a tear to my eye.

Things are looking up. It is hard, it is still a struggle, but it is not as bad as it once was. Things are getting better. One day at a time.

I guess church really isn’t the place for the brothers and sisters in Christ to come for comfort and encouragement, unless they can pray for you for some ‘real’ problem, or smack you up side the head to cast out a demon, or have you weeping for forgiveness of some specific sin. I went to church for the first time in months because it was Father’s day, and my sister was home and I want to spend some time with her. I might as well have been invisible. No one greeted me, one new person said hello. Even after the service, no said anything to me except to complain about my ‘Whitesnake’ t-shirt. It wasn’t tasteless, she just doesn’t like snakes. I did have a conversation with one person there. She is probably one of the few I respect, and that is because she is not a phony, and is not afraid to speak her mind if need be. I know she will not play games, and I respect her for that honesty. I found out her father had past away, and offered her my condolences, and lunch if she wanted some time. We talked a little, and I know she is having a hard time, but she is doing all right.

I don’t think they have a problem with depression, if you have a real reason that they can address for the depression. Like someone dieing, or loosing a job, or bad health. Then they can preach to you about how God won’t give you anything you can’t handle, refiner’s fire, Job’s suffering, and all that good stuff. Also if you can just get over the grief, you are stronger, and don’t need no doctor and no pills, because you have enough faith in God.

Me, I am a complete lost to them on that. I haven’t lost anyone, I got a promotion, I’m not dieing of anything, I am seeing a doctor, and to top it off I am taking medication. So the only thing they can conclude is my faith is weak for relying on medication and doctors. I must not be confessing some sin or I would feel close to God. I am not seeing the prophets and people in the Bible in the right light, because when they talk about Job, I point out that his ‘comforters’ were doing the same thing everyone else is doing to me, Elisha wanted to die due to depression, and the man after God’s own heart, king David, has many psalms that were written from depression. When they remind me that God won’t give me what I can’t handle, I point out that maybe this will be used by God, that he wants me to understand depression, and what people suffering from it go threw. Maybe I will be able to help just one person.

So now I am just ignored, and unwelcome. Maybe when I am better, I will just look for a new church. The other possibility is I look for a new church now, with my problem to see what their true acceptance of a brother that needs encouragement. Funny, the sermon was on how God welcomes us as a Father would his children, no mater what they have done, or are going threw. I guess the heavenly siblings are another matter.

This weekend turned out ok. My sister is home, we went to visit my grandparents for father’s day, and I am feeling pretty good. I didn’t get to spend as much time as I would have liked to with my sister, but it was nice the little that I did. I still hope I can take her to see a movie before she goes back.

Friday was not that bad. I sat down with the guy in charge of the program applications and got some marching orders from him on my work order status and priorities. So now I do not feel like I am just aimlessly floating around. I also got called to help figure out a program problem Friday night. I was able to work with her and we were able to pin down and neutralize the problem. It felt really good to be able to do that again, and feel like I accomplished something.

I hope the rest of the week goes well. Feels good to think that there is hope for a good future.

This weekend turned out ok. My sister is home, we went to visit my grandparents for father’s day, and I am feeling pretty good. I didn’t get to spend as much time as I would have liked to with my sister, but it was nice the little that I did. I still hope I can take her to see a movie before she goes back.

Friday was not that bad. I sat down with the guy in charge of the program applications and got some marching orders from him on my work order status and priorities. So now I do not feel like I am just aimlessly floating around. I also got called to help figure out a program problem Friday night. I was able to work with her and we were able to pin down and neutralize the problem. It felt really good to be able to do that again, and feel like I accomplished something.

I hope the rest of the week goes well. Feels good to think that there is hope for a good future.

I started doing better yesterday afternoon. I was able to start getting my wits about me. I got blindsided the other day. I was only expecting to be on my own for one day this week, not have help for only one day. It is like I am practicing tight rope walking and I am just now starting to get the hang of it. I don’t fall, or slip as much as I used to. All of a sudden one day I find out my couch is gone, and the safety net is also missing. To make madders worse I am afraid of heights, I have looked down, and there are lions ready to pounce if I slip. I guess I will do ok. I have to, the show must go on. People depend on me; I can’t just hide in my room and try to wait it out.

It will be hard, it always is. I must be improving; it didn’t take me much time to recover from this surprise. The thing I had forgotten is that next week my fellow programmer will be back, and will be walking along right beside me. Also, I now know that I have others in my department that are there, quietly cheering me on.

I was lessoning to the news radio last night, to see why the freeway was backed up. Well I never did find out why, but I heard an interview that just about made my blood boil. KNX 1070 had an ‘exclusive’ interview with Officer Kristina Ripatti, an officer that was tragically shoot and is now paralyzed during a robbery on June 3, 2006. The idiot reporter apparently has no idea what it is like to suffer a loss. I myself only have an inkling of a clue, and I could only relate due to understanding the pain and frustration of depression. The reporter was asking all sorts of stupid questions like, what phase of grief are you in, how can you deal with such a loss, are you a fighter, do you think you will ever walk again, do you think you will go back to work, are you going to fight this, does the support of the community help? Come on dude, I could hear by her voice how painful the questions were, and that you are asking her the questions that she is suffering from both day and night. How hard do you think it would be to admit on public radio all the fears, and that the hope that you are desperately holding on to is minor at best. It is painful enough to admit that to yourself, and even more so to your family and friends, let alone the world. I know you are after a story, and ratings, and the audience all has the same questions, and want to put her up on a pedestal. Did you stop to think or care that she may not be ready or want the weight and responsibility of being a roll model for others? Not even Christopher Reeve was ready that quickly to be in the lime light and a role model, even thought he was 'Superman'. This is a poor mother that was doing her job, a job that doesn’t get much attention, when tragedy struck, and now her whole life is turned upside down.

I almost hope a bizarre news radio room accident happens, leaving you with the possibility of never living life the same, and you are bombarded by reporters asking you stupid and painful questions to boost their career. Then maybe you will know what you put this poor woman threw.

You would think being invisible would be cool. That is pretty much what I was all day yesterday. People even ordered food delivered to the office, and invited everyone but me to ‘dig in there is so much food.’ Even the phone technician and janitor were offered some.

I don’t know, I can’t blame them for not wanting me around. Maybe I did something wrong again. Maybe I was sending a signal of leave me alone. I don’t know.

I feel like I am out in the middle of an ocean, with a one man life raft that has a leak, a compass that is broken, and everyone is in speed boats passing me buy as I get tossed about and left floundering in their wake. Everyone is busy getting things prepped for the boss and second in command to be going on vacation. Everyone is being given last minute instructions, directions, and tasks. Everyone but the invisible man. I have no clue what is expected of me, what I am to do, who I am to ask for directions. I guess I am on my own. The poster I put up is now down. I guess it was too soon.

"Why am I such a misfit, I am not just a nitwit... Why don’t I fit in?"

Positive thoughts, positive thoughts... My sister is coming home from college today for a week. I hope that she can squeeze some time in for me to take her to see Cars. That should be nice.

Well I survived yesterday. It was not that bad, but there were a lot of trying moments. I am doing my best to get buy each day, and think positive, communicate with others, and get my work done. I found out I am not disappointing my boss like I thought I was, and found out a few problems that she wants me to work at for now. So I am doing my best to address them, and not be a burden.

I put up a poster today, and my appetite is returning. It may not seem like much, but it feels like a big step for me. It is just a picture of one of the water falls from Yellowstone. It will remind me of my trip there. I should get some pictures developed that I took. I need one of the burnt down forests. As odd as it may sound, it has some significant meaning to me. Even though the fires of 1988 looked extremely devastating at the time, it turns out it was healthy for the forest in the long run. There are now more trees and saplings growing up every where. There is now life screeching up to replace, renew, grow healthier, and overcome all the death and destruction. I need that as a reminder that I can now see as fitting in my life. As bad and devastating as this past events have originally appeared, it is possible that some new, stronger, and improved life, friendships, and understanding can emerge to replace it. It will never be the same, but there is still potential, and more importantly, hope that is starting to sprout up. Ya, bison will come along and stomp some of that every day, but also every day I am finding more is sprouting up.

This log has helped me look back and see the changes. See the problems that at the time felt so overwhelming, at now mute. It is a good feeling. One day at a time, one step at a time.

Very cool. I just got an email from my instructor telling me I got a B in my intro to logic class. I think I will post one of my papers that I had to write. It was actually pretty helpful writing it. It is just a ruff draft; the point was to work more on pulling info out of an article, and make arguments based on them.

I wonder whether depression really is a medical disease?

I accept, allow, approve, and even welcome this investigation because it can help bring some peace of mind to me during my treatment.

I read a article in May/June 2006 edition of ARRP Magazine entitled, So Tough It Hurts, which is also found online at http://www.aarpmagazine.org/health/depression_in_men.html It made several good arguments as to why depression is a disease, and should be treated as such. I will attempt to pick out fifteen reasons that will back this idea.

The goal of treating depression as a disease is to relive the pain and suffering caused by depression (final cause). The components that are treated are the feelings, emotions, mind, and chemistry (material cause). The unique feature of depression is that it can affect the health of the whole body (formal cause). The person that is primarily responsible for seeking help for the disease is the person that is suffering from it (principal agent). The depression may be caused by a situation, weather, no one particular factor, or may possibly be hereditarily pre-disposition to it (preparing agent). The person can receive assistance with treating the depression from a doctor, counselor, support group, friends, and family (assisting agent). The person will often times need cognitive behavioral therapy to help adjust the person’s mind set, medication to help balance the chemical in the brain, education to understand the disease and treatments, and encouragement from as many people as possible to continue with the treatment and not give up (instrumental agent). Many Doctors are now treating depression as a potentially fatal disease, and have done studies on the brain activity to better understand how chemistry affects the treatment of the disease (counseling agent). Many people see depression in relation to the increase in stress, loneliness, and lack of communication (induction). In many cases depression is like a fever, it varies in severity, can be potentially fatal, is an illness of a part of the body, every one will suffer from it in life to some degree, and is contagious (analogy). Depression can be detected by different indicators, such as long term change in mood, lack of enjoyable activities, avoidance of social activities, and even sleep disorder (sign). In the seventies depression was looked as being a purely psychological condition, now modern technology and studies of the brain show it really is a physical illness (history). Treating depression as a disease gives people the belief, idea, and hope that it is something they do not need to suffer from (motive). A person’s feelings of frustration, hopelessness, anger, and despair can be replaced with hope, understanding, and determination by looking at it as being treatable (passion). It has been found that 90% of the people that seek and receive long term medical treatment have significant relief (percentage).

My two favorite reasons for treating depression as a disease is that it is like a fever, and that a huge number of people can be helped by treating it with medical help.

One can argue that something that is potentially fatal depending on the severity, and is treatable for a large percentage of people can be looked at as needing medical treatment. Depression can be potentially fatal depending on the severity, and is treatable for a large percentage of people. It would not be unreasonable to treat depression as needing medical treatment.

Some people argue that they were depressed but were able to snap themselves out of it. Much like a fever, it affects everyone differently. Some people just need rest and chicken soup; others will become hospitalized or even die. It all depends upon the person and the severity of the illness. Some people are able to talk, think, eat, or shop their way out of a mild depression. Other people may give up and need hospitalization do to a lack of motive to live. Still others may die due to suicide, or a lack of will to live.

Many people argue that all one needs is love, faith, a vacation, less stress, a relationship, to keep from being depressed, success. Depression can infect any person regardless of age, gender, race, religion, social status, relationship, education, or professional background.

There is a common belief that a person will respond to threats of lose, such as friends, family, job, finance, or such things because it seamed to snap them out of the pity party before. Like a fever, what may have worked before, may not work in this case. In fact it is possible it may worsen the problem, or prolong it by mistreating it.

Last night I saw that one of my friends in another department was working late, so I decided I would try dropping by since I have been doing a bit better. I haven’t really talked to this friend much, it has been hard. She doesn’t believe I am sick and need medication. She thinks I am just in a pity party and doesn’t enjoy having me around. She was pleasant enough, and asked how my weekend went. She talked a little about all the things that are coming up, a vacation, being swamped at work, having to get ready for a funeral. It felt kind of awkward.

I told her I missed our nights out at a local restraint, and doing lunch. She agreed, and said maybe when she gets back, and things settle down, maybe we will try it again. I stupidly said that I can’t have any drinks, but that would be nice to do again. At that point she said to dump the meds, they aren’t needed. The whole mood went south. Oh well, I will have to remember not to mention anything about my illness around her.

Part of the reason I don’t drink anymore is because of my medication. Another reason is the doctor said that alcohol is a long term depressant. But the main reason I shouldn’t drink is because before I got medical help, I was on my way to becoming an alcoholic. I was self medicating every night after work, trying to do anything to ease the pain and frustration. I know right now, with the mind set I am in it is still a very real threat. Even thought I am doing better, and finally see a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel, I am still desperate for anything that will ‘help.’ I don’t want to fall into that pit. Later when I am back to my old self, maybe I will have a drink, maybe not.

I have been doing a little bit better these past few days. I am interacting a bit more, talking a bit more, even smiling a bit, joking a bit, and laughing a bit. I am feeling a bit more comfortable. It is weird that I wasn’t comfortable around anyone, not even my family, friends, or myself at one point. Now I am feeling a bit more confident, a bit less overwhelmed, a bit more willing to be ok with myself and my feelings and limitations, a bit more productive, and a bit more accepted. For the first time in a long time I had a craving for something, and for the first time in a long time I was actually hungry. I am learning to take things a little bit at a time, in case you can’t tell. It is slow, it is hard, it is draining, it is frustrating, it is a monumental task, but I am making progress.

I know that there are still going to be days/hours/minutes/seconds/instances that are hard. That is going to be especially true this week, my friend is on vacation this week, and the other one is leaving for a day conference. So I wont have a support group for one day, but I will do my best to get threw it. Keep doing what I am doing, and stay focused on the positive.

For the first time in long time I feel a bit of hope.

I am kind of intrigued, and I guess excited. For the first time in a long time, I actually have a craving for something. When driving to work today (ya, I know it is Saturday, lucky me) I thought about a breakfast quesadilla fro Del Taco and I found myself wanting to get one! OK, this may sound strange just having a craving for some dumb quesadilla, and I will admit they are not all that, but the thing to remember is that I have had no desire to eat for about a month now. So for me this is a new, and hopeful sign.

Well this week has actually gone way better than I expected. My co-workers actually appeared happy to have me back from my vacation. They asked me if I had fun, and enjoyed it. I am still not sure how to answer that question. I honestly don’t know if I enjoyed it, it was just a change of pace. It is hard to explain that I haven’t been able to feel like I am having fun with anything. It probably would have just been easier if I lied and told everyone, ‘ya, I had a great time.’ I just told everyone, ‘it was a nice change of pace. I saw a lot of animals, and stuff.’

I feel a little bit better each day. I am still not hungry, maybe at best just snacky. Everyone in the office is complaining about it being really cold with the air conditioning, but I don’t feel a difference.

Every so often I go down to the campus nurse to check my blood work. They are willing to take my money, and I don’t have to get a doctor’s blessing. I started doing this early this year because I was trying to figure out what was my problem. I thought it may be diabetes, or something else. I go back every so often and do some more work. This last time I went the nurse pointed out some results that showed my triglycerides and cholesterol more than doubled, and in no way fit my history. We couldn’t figure this out, considering that I eat maybe once a day, if that. She suggested that it may be a thyroid issue, and if so, I need to talk to my psychiatrist. My psychiatrist has decided she wants to start monitoring my blood work now. She said that if it is thyroid, that will affect my depression and it is easy to fix. That would be so nice, but I am not getting my hopes up. It seams too easy.

I had lunch with a friend of mine yesterday. All the things that she is going threw; it makes me look stupid and pathetic for being depressed. It was actually a nice lunch even thought we both talked about our problems, we also talked about the things that we are doing to fix, and cope with our problems. It was one of the better lunches I have had in a long time. Plus I actually ate more than just a snack.

Well I am back, all in one piece. I wish I could say that I enjoyed the trip, but than I wish I could say I hated it, I just wish I felt something about it. I must have had some fun, people said they saw me smiling sometimes, and I did find myself laughing once or twice.

The worst part of the trip was getting on or off the bus. Checking into hotels was even worse. I just stood out of the way, and waited until everyone had their rooms and bags, then I went and got my stuff.

I am not used to eating three meals a day. My stomach is a bit wonky.

Today I go back to work. We will see if anyone noticed I was missing for a week, or that I am back… There are times where it feels like out of an office of six, only two people exist. The reports and daily operations person, and the main programmer. I doubt any of the projects that I left to be tested were not even looked at. Oh well, I guess I should focus on doing my meaningless work, and be happy I get paid to do it. For now, until they realize that I am actually there, and they realize that they had not noticed me before, so then they realize they don’t know what I do, so then they realize why do they need me around...