Friday, June 30, 2006

It’s still very hard. It is still very much so a struggle. The beginning of the day is not bad, but by the end of the day I am fighting my demons. The beginning of the week is not bad, but by the end of the week I am exhausted from the struggle within.

Today I am struggling with being wanted. The only thing I feel I am wanted for is to fix something or do a favor for someone. I don’t even unpack my little tool bag, because I know that I will need to use it soon for someone else. Some days I wonder why I even have a phone. I most of the calls I get are from telemarketers, and a few of them are friends. When it is a friend, I know that sooner or later the conversation will come to a question about something that needs to be fixed, or installed. It can be anything from a car, house, computer, and most things in-between. People rarely call me to talk, or see if I want to do something fun, unless they are returning my call to do so.

Maybe the next telemarketer I should ask if they want to hang out, shoot some pool, go bowling, or something. I could meet them half way, even thought that may be a bit expensive due to gas prices if it is out of state. So I would probably offer to meet them, saving them money. Or maybe I will just tell them to give me a call if they are within a hundred miles of my town. They obviously know my phone number. Maybe the telemarketers will stop calling me as much, just like most of my friends have.

It didn’t always be so. I used to get called and invited to all sorts of things. I guess that is bound to change when I am no longer any fun…

Funny, I wrote the above this morning and didn’t get around to posting it. Now, I am felling a little bit better. However I am still tired, and still struggling. I made breakfast for the department. The first time I have done something like that for a very long time. It felt a little weird, mostly because I didn’t know how people would react to it. Everyone seamed happy, and one person made comment that it was nice to see me do this again. I guess it felt nice, it felt kind of good, it felt like I made another step forward, I feel like I have a bit more hope that I am not a screw up.


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