Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Well I bought Oblivion... or should I say Oblivious? I enjoy playing dungeon games like Diablo and Fallout, but it felt like the combat was just clicking as fast as you can and using a few spells. Combining a dungeon game with a FPS interface has got to be one of the best ideas yet. The game does have its bugs, and crashes more than I would like, but it is still enjoyable to play. Plus making game saves is easy. It is extremely customizable and the world is extremely interactive. Think Half-life 2 world and quality, with lots more to do and kill. It is funny playing the game after being on World of Warcraft for so long... WoW has really changed my mindset on these games.

Well I am doing better with my depression. After skipping out on many of the activities my group of friends planed over the last few weeks, I finally felt ok with meeting a few of them for lunch the other day to celebrate a close friend’s birthday. It felt weird, and awkward to me, but I didn't feel panicky or out of place like I have in the past. I am learning to accept this sickness, and more importantly I think my friends and family are starting to accept and understand it too. They have been a big support for me. The other day I found a web sight that has really helped out. Christian Depression is a breath of fresh air for me. One of the hardest things with accepting the depression has been my faith and upbringing. 'Christians are the light of the world', 'Jesus is all you need to be happy', 'God won't give you what you can't handle', 'Walk by faith...' and all that jazz. My experience is that a lot of Christians are close minded, and very black and white. 'Depression is a mind set, snap out of it', 'you must have sin in your life, that is why you feel God has abandoned you', 'the doctors just want to dope up everyone, they don't know what they are doing, the drug is messing with your mind', 'by taking that pill, you are denying God the ability to show you his full power to work in your life.' For some reason they forget the part in the Bible that said to lift up and encourage your brother, and help them when they stumble.

The saddest part is that a fellow Christian should feel like they can go to their brothers and talk to them about questions or problems and discuses it with an open mind, open bible, and prayer. People my age have many questions, and problems that are taboo in many Christian groups. You are almost cast out of the church if you ask questions, or admit to a 'sin'. I find myself going instead to people that don't have a problem with these taboo questions out side of the church for advise. It is like they are the only ones that under stand that I am still a human being, with human flaws, and problems. Getting saved didn't make me supper human, where I don't drink, stay out late, party, have sexual desires, or suffer from mental sickness. Maybe it made everyone else in my church so, with their wonderful testimonies about how God saved them from drugs and booze, and turned them into supper human Christians that think Jesus 24/7. I have no such testimony or experience, just the day to day guidance that I can look back and see His hand in my life. So forgive me if I am not as 'holy as thou' because I don't read my Bible every single day. I guess you are sinless since you are throwing the first stone. Fuck you old bitch. At least I am not a racist bastered... just a fellow solder that is willing to admit that I need help, I am wounded on this battle field and fallen. Don't shoot me because I am wounded.

When I tried to talk to my pastor about getting some spiritual counseling along with my medical treatment and counseling, he focused on the medication. The medication is messing with my mind, he can tell because I am having a hard time talking to him, or looking him in the eye. Well, duh, it is because I fully expect you to tell me that I made a mistake taking medication for something that doesn't exists and is all in my head, and for going to the outside world for help. That is pretty much what his reaction was too. I know this is a taboo subject, just like sex, or drugs, or beer. How the hell do you expect me to be acting? Ya, I know everyone goes threw depression, ya I read Job, ya I know David was depressed when he was being hunted by Saul. Ya, they all had good reasons for being depressed. No I don't know why I am depressed. Ya, it is mind boggling, with this simple little life that has no 'real' problems I have, and I am suffering from a depression for no 'real' reason. No I can't just snap out of it, believe me I have tried like hell to do so. This is way worse than any depression I have ever felt. It hurts like hell to feel like I only mess up everything I touch, every friend I have I don't want to be around because I will say or do something wrong, to feel like a monster is trying to come out and I can't control my emotions or feeling, to feel that everything is falling apart, to want to quit a job that I loved, to feel that nothing can possibly make me happy, to feel abandoned by all even God... This is why I have turned to you for help, not ridicule and close minded repeats of everything I have learned as a Christian. I don't know, I guess I would still like to get spiritual counseling for this make-believe problem and get to the bottom of my sins that have caused me to separate myself form God. Sure, I will call you to set up an appointment. Oh, I am sorry; you are disappointed I didn't call you this week? Can't you tell that I am chomping at the bits to get a second helping of self guilt? I consider it a miracle that I just came back to church, guess it is too engrained in me to come on Sunday. At lest you could have done some studying on depression and Prozac before we meet so you know what you are talking about. I don't know what you believe God is capable of, but my God is not going to let some itty bitty pill get in the way of him working in my life.

Wow, that really helped. If you are struggling with depression as a Christian, go read Christian Depression. Share it with your family, and your close friends, and maybe even your pastor. Anyone that you feel that you can talk to about your depression. It took me all of two seconds to Google it and I was shocked to see how much encouragement there really is on the net for people like me. I also encourage you to see a doctor. Anti-depressants are not like all the horror stories you have been lead to believe. It is not Ritalin. It is just helping to balance a chemical in you body. Believe me; suffering from the depression is much worse than anything the doctor will suggest. I know I am finally starting to feel more like my old self again. I am beginning to smile, and be around people again, and my confidence is starting to return little by little. There are still many things I don’t feel like doing, or feel comfortable doing yet, but now I understand that is ok. More importantly I know now that my family and friends under stand, and let me know it is ok. That is really important to me, because I know I can turn to them for help and understanding. Yes, God does give us what we can handle, but he also gives us the means and help to handle it.


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