Monday, July 31, 2006

Apparently my head is made of some of the dense substance in the galaxy. Maybe I should donate my head to science when I am gone. They can study it and make armor plating out of it.

I can’t hear the clue phone. People can tell me things and I just don’t get it.

Ok, a few weeks/months (?) ago I was sat down by my boss and coworker. I was told no one hated me, no one disliked me, relax, be more like the other programmer that is ‘cured’ from depression, he is perfect, he interacts great, he is wonderful, we love being around him again, treat her professionally, if I give her a task then drop it and trust her to do it. Well I thought I had been doing that. Relaxing, interacting with the department, getting involved in conversations only when other are jumping in, having minimal contact with her. I guess I wasn’t doing enough. She got her hair cut this weekend, and I emailed her saying it looked nice. Next thing I know my boss is calling me out. Fuck, what did I do wrong now? She said that I am not getting it, she doesn’t know how many time she has to say it, treat the girls in the office professionally. Ok, I thought I was. Everyone else commented on the hair. I even commented on my boss’s hair when I first came in. WTF? I am doing what I was asked to do. Apparently I miss understood again… When she said treat her professionally, if I hand her a project trust she will finish it; she meant treat me professionally, if I hand her a project trust she will finish it, and never talk to her unless it is work. Do not comment to her like everyone else is about the weather, hair, and clothing, wish her a happy birthday, or jack shit. Professionally means that she doesn’t exist, period. Now if I need something from her I am to go threw my boss to get it.

I hope I get it right this time. Why can’t people say what they mean? She didn’t mean that this guy is great, he interacts fine, I love it, act like him... She meant that this guy is great, he interacts fine, I love it, act like him with everyone else, but leave me the hell alone you fucking asshole.

My boss thinks that the girl is the smartest person in the world, and I am the fucked up idiot. I was just glad that this time she lessoned to me, instead of jumping down my thought. She let me explain that I was trying to do what they asked of me, relaxing, interacting like the other people, and separating personal life from work. Now she just explained that I just need to not let her exist. There is no such person.

People wonder why I went into depression. Well let’s see. One friend I had driven and helped for two years wants nothing to do with me after she no longer needs a ride to work (one more to add to the list of 'friend'). Being nice got my friend (the girl above) mad at me when I tried helping her too much when her mom was sick. I had a job interview that I was not sure if I was going to cause the same troubles for our department that the last guy we promoted in department. My sister was in college and I was unable to figure out why I was so upset I couldn't use her room when she was away. My cousin just egged my car after I let him use it (another nice thing I did). Two churches that I went to split up over stupid things, one of the churches I had been going to for over ten years and I never dreamed my pastor would do what he did to us... So basically my spiritual base, my moral base, my family base, professional base, and my friend base were all collapsing all around me all at once. Have you ever seen the videos of them demolishing an old high-rise? That was my life, with every pillar being blown out from under it. Now I am re-evaluating everything in my life and building it back up again. Some times it may crumble a bit again, other times things may be found to be unusable, other times it may be relocated to another place, and some of it may be ignored for a time because it is too big to deal with right now. However, the important thing is I am getting my life back, day by day, and learning from and improving upon things.

Why do I keep fucking up friendships?

My Grandfather had to go back to the hospital Sunday. He was having difficulty breathing again. He has been to the emergency room so many time, they are having difficulty getting a vein for an IV. He also gets his blood tested every other day. It almost makes me wish they would just leave him ‘tapped.’

They have cell phones now, so it is easier to get a hold of them. Also they are getting better at leaving more information on the voicemail, so I do not worry as much. Little things like what hospital they are going to, if the EMT is taking them, why they are taking him.

They still cannot figure out why he is having breathing difficulties. I am beginning to wonder if a small part of it is self induced. He is worrying about a lot of things, and it may be leading to panic attacks. He is saying a lot of the things I was thinking at the start of my depression. He is frustrated with himself (why am I sweating all the time, I am getting around slow, I have a hard time concentrating, I cannot do much around the house to help out), and getting down on himself (I am sorry to bother you, I am becoming a problem, I’m sorry). He doesn’t have a whole lost to keep him occupied, there aren’t a whole lot of things he can do without hurting or getting too hot.

I wish there was something more I can do to help him. I try to get him games to play on his new laptop, but I wonder if that is just frustrating him more because he can’t concentrate, even with turn based games. He enjoys wood working, but that involves too many sharp tools, and with his blood thinners, that can be bad. I will keep thinking of things that may help keep him occupied. The depression is what is worrying me the most, because I know how difficult it is.


Thursday, July 27, 2006

Well my grandfather is home now. It worked out kind of cool. I went to go visit him, and he said that they may release him depending on the test results. However it was getting late and we were figuring they would just hold him over night. No more than three minutes later the nurse comes in with the test results and said he can go home tonight if he wants. Cool. I go down to visit and I am able to take him home!

The frustrating thing is that the Dr. has no real ideas as to why he was having trouble and had to come in. They are at this point guessing that one of the clots may have moved a bit. Aren’t we supposed to have the little robots that they can inject that will zap blood clots with lasers by now? Come on smart micro engineering geek people, hop to it!


Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Oh God oh God oh God, my grandfather is back at the hospital. My grandmother tryied to call, but we didn't hear the damn cell phone in the store... I have no idea what hospital, why he went back, or what is going on........ Waiting is such a bitch

Well my sister is down in San Diego State UC for the summer. The party college of the world. I am so proud of her, kegger!!!

I wish it was all fun and games for her. She got the run around when she first got down there. Then her dorm looked like it belonged in a third world country, backed up shower, muddy floors, bugs crawling all over, the trash piled right outside the open door... But she is a trooper, and got to work cleaning and killing bugs. Soon after her microwave got ruined in a drunken roommate’s munchies attack. Apparently it really is possible to nuke a bag of pop corn into a solid black mass and catch fire. Now the latest plague is fleas. Yep the little buggers must have fallowed some smelly hippy to school. They are probably learning more than the hippy, and they don’t even have to pay tuition. Them’s smart little buggers.

Well my sister may not like to party (or is it a cleaver ruse to keep mom and dad from asking questions, hum), but I am proud of her for toughing it out and being way smarter than me. But she still needs me to fix her PC. =p

Today I am doing mooy bien (ya I can’t spell in English or Spanish, I am bilingually spelling challenged). I fretted, I lost sleep, I had trouble, however I sat down and dissected this problem (I am a programmer, my life has an error, I debug it, so sue me).

Do I enjoy what I am doing at work? Yes.
Do I enjoy being around most of the people that I work with and around? Yes.
Why am I unhappy? Because I feel rejected and unwanted.
Why do I feel this way? Because I wasn’t invited to my friends birthday calibration.
Why was I not invited? Because my friends are uncomfortable around me.
Why are they uncomfortable around me? Because I have flipped out a few times due to my frustrations with this depression.
What do I need to do to fix that uncomfortableness? Give them more time to be around the 'fixed' me.
So what am I going to due? Well she said that I can take her out to dinner in a few months, so until then, I will try to interact and drop by and do the little things that I used to due. Just take it slow.
Last, why are you depressed? Well when I was a baby my mommy dropped me on my head… BS. It is because I am unsure of myself. I feel used by every friend that I had, I feel that I don’t contribute to anything, I feel that I can’t do anything right. I felt overwhelmed with my job interview, I lost another friend when she didn’t need me as a personal taxi, I was trying to hard to help a friend whose mother may have cancer and my help was rejected.
What am I going to due to recover from this? Learn to say 'no' when I feel I am bending over backwards to help someone, this will deal with the being used part. Learn to control and hold back on my 'nice factor', it is like a seasoning, a little may be all that is needed for some and other may need a whole lot more. Not go on any more job interviews, lol.
Why do I want to quit? Because the girl I was too nice to is mad at me.
Isn’t that a stupid reason for quitting something you enjoy and are good at? Yes it is. If she is still mad at me for almost a year now because I was overly worried and helpful, maybe she is the one with issues. I know how scary cancer is. My grandmother died of it before I was born, my uncle just died from it a few years ago, two of my aunts had breast cancer and have survived, and at on point we didn’t know if my mother had cancer in a very similar problem as the girls mother had.
Are you learning and trying your best to fix the problem? Yes, I have talked to friends, gotten advice, and am doing my best to improve and learn from my mistakes.
Will you still make mistakes? Yes, I am a young male human. I am going to make more mistakes then there are stars in the sky. But I will learn, just like every other person.
Now can we go to sleep and have a good day tomorrow? Yes, lets...

That is how I solve my problems. Scary isn’t it? But it works, baby steps, and that is what I have learned from all my time with the Dr. Learn to accept that I need to re-evaluate myself, and that I am going to question myself a lot. That is ok. That is normal.

Today will be good, I can only worry about what I think and feel... Today will be good...


Monday, July 24, 2006

Well I think I caught up on my sleep. I sleep in until 11 and 10 this weekend. That is really odd for me. I am usually up by 7 no mater what.

My Grandfather is back home, 'being a pill' as my grandmother put it. I picked up a laptop for him, and now he can read his email, and surf the web in his comfortable chair.

Well I think I caught up on my sleep. I sleep in until 11 and 10 this weekend. That is really odd for me. I am usually up by 7 no mater what.

My Grandfather is back home, 'being a pill' as my grandmother put it. I picked up a laptop for him, and now he can read his email, and surf the web in his comfortable chair.


Sunday, July 23, 2006

I just don’t know. I don’t know what to do. A few weeks ago I was told that no one hates me, no one dislikes me, just relax. So did I do something wrong, or did I just misunderstand that they just mean no one likes me and wants me around?

All week I couldn’t manage to do anything right. All week whenever my boss talked to me it was to tell me something I was doing wrong. “Don’t defend the new hirers with me. You better never question me, or defend them in front of them.” All week the only thing I heard was what I was doing wrong.

I wonder if I should just give up. If I should just leave. If the department would just be better off without me. One girl will not even talk to me, and hates it when I even go the half of the office she is on. The hourly will not talk to me with my boss or the one girl around. Infact when I just happened to bump into her in the hallway we were chatting and having a good old time, but as soon as my boss saw us, she looked like she was in trouble. My boss even asked us ”What are you guys doing?” Like I said my boss only talks to me to tell me what I am doing wrong, or to brag about what wonderful thing the one girl has done now. The new people still talk to me, but I wonder how long till that changes. Only one that even asks me to do anything outside of work anymore is my programmer friend that I have known for about ten years. He is the only one that even invites me to lunch. I can’t help solve any problems at work, and only a few of the programs that I work have gone live for the past few months, if not years. Anything that I do I have to wonder if I am fucking something up. Maybe I should put in that application at Lockheed, start over. I just don't like giving up, and running away from problems. But sometimes maybe it is time to give up...

Why is it all my friendships end up where the only time I am wanted is when I can save them time or money? I guess I will be wanted around then, but until then I will not be asked to hang out, go out to eat, or do anything fun with anytone.


Friday, July 21, 2006

I'm smiling on the outside, but dieing on the inside...

This month sux!

The Group took my friend out for her birthday for lunch earlier this week, and dinner last night. I never got an invite to either. I tried for the last two weeks to just take her out for lunch to celebrate her b-day by myself, but she said not until after her daughter's wedding (which I am not invited to, but the rest of The Group is ='( ). Not until after September. It just hurts so bad not being wanted. I try my best to deal with my problem. I try every day, and some days it is like walking threw hell (like today). I think I am doing better, I think I am making progress. My counselor and my doctor both said that I am doing wonderful, that I look great. I am not suffering as bad as I used to, but I am not sure if that is due to me making progress, or just due to the fact my heart is so beat-up that one more stab can't make a difference...

My Grandfather is doing better! He is going nuts from boredom in the hospital. They may even release him this weekend! At lest something is going better...


Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Dozing off when going 75-80 mph on a freeway is not a pleasant thing. Today my guardian angle was working over time. The ‘road bumps’ on the divider lanes brought me out of nodding off, and luckily no one was in the lain I was ‘merging’ into. I rolled down the windows, blasted some music, and drank what was left of a coke. I need to get more sleep. My Grandfather is still in ICU, and will probably have to take blood thinners for the rest of his life. He is suppose to see a specialist for his back and hip to see if it may be possible to do something to help him.

Nice guys are a dieing breed. Soon I will need a plack at my cage, I mean desk. It would read something like this.
“Nice Guy” (Niceus Maximus Idiotus). This endangered species used to be prevalent out in the wild. Now they are all but extinct. They were often found holding doors open for the person behind them or standing in crowded places due to offering their chair to a lady. They played a key role in society by offering a helping hand, going out of their way to transport someone, lending possessions or money to help someone, training in first aid and other life saving skills to always be prepared, or spending long sleepless nights thinking/praying for someone in need. Scientist marveled at the fact that such creatures survived all these thousands of years, and tried to explain it by a mysterious force called ‘karma’. The extinction of this species is believed to be due to the growing number of “Modern Woman” (Empowerus Maximus Feministus) that often times snap at and even bit off the heads of “Nice Guy” when they interact. The other contributing factor is that they often are taken advantage of due to their generosity and left desolate, abused, and alone. Even attracting a mate is proving more difficult for them. Being dominated by the ‘Convict’ (Prisonus Sentenceus), ‘Thrill Seeker’ (Adrenalinus Flowus), ‘The Self Centered Jerk’(Centerus of Worldus), along with many other species. Often times the Nice Guy is just “A good Friend” that get turned to when the girl needs help, bail money, or a ride to the hospital to see if she is pregnant.

Such is my life, and that I think is one of the main reasons that I went into this depression. It is something that I need to deal with, and control, before it kills me.


Monday, July 17, 2006

No one wants a helpful person. Helpful people are just not all that helpful. People despise help. People get weirded out when someone thinks of them. People like me are more of a nuisance than anything else, like a naught.

It has been a very long weekend. My Grandfather had to have an ambulance get him at 11pm due to shortness of breath, and being clammy. It is weird to say this, but thankfully it is a blood clot; not a heart attack. They found a blood clot in his lung and that is why he is having difficulty breathing. He is now in ICU, and on blood thinners. They are trying to figure out what to do next. He has not been moving much, due to his back pain and hip problems. This is what caused the clots. The doctors are leery of operating, because of his age and he is diabetic. So, they are trying to figure out what next to do.

I am finding myself falling back on my copping skills that I have learned. It is helping me from dropping back to a depression. I don't want to go back there again. I have made lots of progress, and at my last meeting with my counselor she said that she doesn’t think I need to set up regular appointments. There is not much more she can do to help me, and it is really neat to see me smile and laugh. I need to still take my medication, and still work on things, but I am doing it. I am beating this. I need more sleep...


Tuesday, July 11, 2006

I don’t even know why I have a camera at this point. The memories from photos are still painful. Everyone smiling, everyone having a good time, back before the dark ages, before the depression. Friday was the first time all year that I have even brought my camera to work. I handed it to another co worker to take pictures. Today I copied all the photos to a PC so that everyone can see them. I haven’t even looked at the photos. A few people commented that there were some nice shots. Maybe some other day I will look at them. I have only used my camera on my trip to Yellowstone this year, other words my brother is the only one using it. I have a ton of music that I don’t play any more, a classic car that I don’t work on or drive any more, hundreds of hobbies that I don’t fiddle with anymore. I just lost interest in all of it.

A friend of mine came up to visit; she just got back from vacation. I kind of held back in the background. I wasn’t sure if she wanted to see me, and just came up to say hello to the other. When she saw me, she gave me a hug, a tin with candy, and said that she used up all the memory from her camera. I damb near cried.

We have two new people in my department. I am working with them, helping them with training. It is nice, nice to be able to work with someone that I don’t have to feel that I am being judged for every word that I say, for every action that I do. It is nice to not have to worry about what they are thinking, what they are analyzing, what they will get hung up over. They came into the department when I started to get better control, and understanding of my problems, so they don’t know the Mr. Hyde side of me. They freely come to me with questions, freely talk with me, they seem to feel comfortable with me, they are not wondering if they say anything that will set me off. I am finding that I even feel comfortable being myself around them, and I feel more at ease. I don’t wonder what they are talking about. They don’t bust out in Polish, or Urdu, or Tagado, or Spanish and start a conversation with someone else; leaving me wonder if I messed up, made a mistake, or am being talked about behind my back right in front of me. God, some times I just want to quit and start all over at some other place… I cried myself to sleep for the first time last night in a long time, not for any one thing that has happened, but just over many things, many painful things that are going on this month.


Friday, July 07, 2006

Wow, I made it threw to a Friday, and I actually am still feeling pretty good. I know it was a short week, with the 4th off, but still this is a first in a long time. Our department even hosted an open house to welcome our new employees, and I didn’t feel too crowded. I was even talking with people, and interacting a little. Wow, it sure is nice to be able to do that again. I let one of my coworkers use my camera to take pictures. I haven’t used that thing all year, except for my vacation. I guess I really am improving, and it is really exciting. It is phenomenal to feel and act more my self.

I still have to remember to take it slow, and restrain myself a little. I am still afraid of the bad days that may just be looming around, waiting for that one incident, or that one conversation to set me back. I have had a few of those moments from time to time, but they are getting easier to deal with. I just need to be patient with myself. That has been the biggest struggle. To understand that. One day at a time...


Thursday, July 06, 2006

Well this month will be kind of hard. The reason is that two friends that I used to be really close to are having their birthday some time this month. It is going to be really hard, I don’t think they have anything against me, but I am not very sure of myself and how (if) I fit in anymore. I am doing better than I have been, but for me this feels...odd.

It is a huge change from last year. Last year I was invited to go to Mexico with them and some other friends. We drank beer on the beaches, spent a night in a hotel, braided my hair into corn rows, and had a good time. In fact I was so comfortable, and I am a bit of a tease to begin with, that when a waitress at a restraint called Dick’s asked if it would be ok to pie the birthday girl, I said yes lets do it. Of course, like all my dumb ideas, I realized how much hot water I could be in AFTER the whip cream hit her face... Luckily she was cool with it. I wish I had not left my camera in the car... The other birthday girl was happy to have made it out with just having to wear a dumb paper hat.

I never would have dreamed that a year later I would be so unsure of myself, that I don’t know if I should even wish them a happy birthday.

I guess what I will do, is if the department has a card for any of them, I will just stay safe and sign my name. If we go out as a department, I will go and try to have fun... For the one friend, maybe a gift card to a store, or restraint we used to eat at all the time. Maybe not. I hope that will be ok. If I happen to be invited to do something with the group I used to hang with, I can see if it is possible to salvage something after more than half a year of me not being welcome. If not, oh well, it was fun for the bit it lasted. Of cores the other possibility is that nothing was planed... but knowing them, something probably will be. Something involving margaritas, which is ok, I can’t drink alcohol anymore. I am too close to becoming an alcoholic right now, and I don’t need to add that to my problems.

One day at a time. One struggle at a time. One pain at a time. One disappointment at a time. One..............


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