Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Today I am doing mooy bien (ya I can’t spell in English or Spanish, I am bilingually spelling challenged). I fretted, I lost sleep, I had trouble, however I sat down and dissected this problem (I am a programmer, my life has an error, I debug it, so sue me).

Do I enjoy what I am doing at work? Yes.
Do I enjoy being around most of the people that I work with and around? Yes.
Why am I unhappy? Because I feel rejected and unwanted.
Why do I feel this way? Because I wasn’t invited to my friends birthday calibration.
Why was I not invited? Because my friends are uncomfortable around me.
Why are they uncomfortable around me? Because I have flipped out a few times due to my frustrations with this depression.
What do I need to do to fix that uncomfortableness? Give them more time to be around the 'fixed' me.
So what am I going to due? Well she said that I can take her out to dinner in a few months, so until then, I will try to interact and drop by and do the little things that I used to due. Just take it slow.
Last, why are you depressed? Well when I was a baby my mommy dropped me on my head… BS. It is because I am unsure of myself. I feel used by every friend that I had, I feel that I don’t contribute to anything, I feel that I can’t do anything right. I felt overwhelmed with my job interview, I lost another friend when she didn’t need me as a personal taxi, I was trying to hard to help a friend whose mother may have cancer and my help was rejected.
What am I going to due to recover from this? Learn to say 'no' when I feel I am bending over backwards to help someone, this will deal with the being used part. Learn to control and hold back on my 'nice factor', it is like a seasoning, a little may be all that is needed for some and other may need a whole lot more. Not go on any more job interviews, lol.
Why do I want to quit? Because the girl I was too nice to is mad at me.
Isn’t that a stupid reason for quitting something you enjoy and are good at? Yes it is. If she is still mad at me for almost a year now because I was overly worried and helpful, maybe she is the one with issues. I know how scary cancer is. My grandmother died of it before I was born, my uncle just died from it a few years ago, two of my aunts had breast cancer and have survived, and at on point we didn’t know if my mother had cancer in a very similar problem as the girls mother had.
Are you learning and trying your best to fix the problem? Yes, I have talked to friends, gotten advice, and am doing my best to improve and learn from my mistakes.
Will you still make mistakes? Yes, I am a young male human. I am going to make more mistakes then there are stars in the sky. But I will learn, just like every other person.
Now can we go to sleep and have a good day tomorrow? Yes, lets...

That is how I solve my problems. Scary isn’t it? But it works, baby steps, and that is what I have learned from all my time with the Dr. Learn to accept that I need to re-evaluate myself, and that I am going to question myself a lot. That is ok. That is normal.

Today will be good, I can only worry about what I think and feel... Today will be good...


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