Monday, January 22, 2007

Happy Birthday Grandma. Enjoy your day and rest easy.


Friday, January 19, 2007

I am just waiting for someone to blame EA's Burnout for this stupidity of Ice Driver. (Ok, bad joke off of the Atari 2600 Night Driver game.) However it would make for a fun mode in the game. CarPinball, see how long you can keep bouncing off of things.


Monday, January 15, 2007

If someone ever tells you that it is best to be open and honest with your friends, kick them in the head. Friends only want you to be so if it makes them feel good. I should have kept everything bottled up, and not speak my mind. I may still have a friend that had hung with me threw all this past year. She said that she still cares about me; I just keep her guessing at what she can or cannot say around me. It doesn’t feel natural being around me right now, and she needs a break from it. She knows that I am a good person; she has gotten to see that in me. I am still worth having as a friend, she just doesn’t know how to help, and maybe I need to be one my own for a bit. I hope she is telling the truth, I have heard too many other people say this before. She accused me of manipulating and using her, because people that always are afraid of being cheated on / lied to / or used by people, usually do so to themselves.

Somehow this time it feels different, somehow I feel that she is telling me the truth. She said that five years of knowing someone that was as nice and fun and good hearted should count as something. No one else that had given up on me had even brought that into account.

I don’t know how I feel right now. I do know one thing, I am tired of being the one accused of destroying everything. If someone is loved by everyone else, and I find fault or question them, I am the one to be blamed. I was the one that crawled, begged, pleaded, and then I finally gave up; and it is my fault for destroying the friendship. Everything is always my fault.


Sunday, January 07, 2007

Well I made it threw December; I made it to a new year. 2006 pretty much sux. My Grandfather was hospitalized several times last year. My Grandmother has lymphoma. I watched as people I considered friends, throw me away. I messed up several times at work, and made our department look bad.

Not even December; with my birthday, Christmas, and time off to look forward to was a good month. In fact I think it was the most challenging, frustrating, and painful month of the year.

At work we got broadsided by some patch that the software manufacture said must be installed before the New Year, or all payment transactions would become corrupted. We had two weeks to install 30+ major system patches, during peak registration for students. Our department got so much flack for this, but the users worked with us. I was blamed for letting this slip, and was blamed for ruining everyone’s Christmas vacation. I wanted to argue the point with my boss, I wanted to defend myself, but nothing that I could say would change a thing. I accepted responsibility and blame, because arguing was mute. The weekends, nights, and every waking moment I was thinking, studying, analyzing, and coming up with alternatives, options, and getting a handle on this. Trying to run any ideas by my boss was useless; she only trusted the other programmer’s opinion. We pulled threw, I don’t think I got much sleep those two weeks. There were only a few snafus that are addressed as soon as they pop up. By the time the break rolled around, I was wasted.

The real kicker was that a few days before we had to go live with the patch, the software manufacture withdrew their previous statement about the patches. I guess I got as close to an apology as I could get from my boss. She lightend up some. I tried not to take it personal; I know that shit rolls down hill. If nothing else all the craziness helped keep me busy and dwelling less on all the other shit that was going on. Like that "friends" retirement, and the worries of having to participate in the department Christmas stuff. I think most people atributed the fact I didn’t decorate my cubical to being so overwhelmed with the patches. Truth is I didn’t care to decorate, or do anything. Usually I get everyone some gift, but this time I didn’t want afread to cause trouble with that one girl in the office. So instead I just put a little candy on everyone desk early one morning. Everyone but her. The ground rules I was given was to pretend she doesn’t exist. That caused me no end of conflict with myself, this is Christmas after all, and it is just a piece of fucking candy. This was however the girl that flipped out when I complemented her haircut, and I can’t take any chances with loosing my job. If I don’t give here anything, and I don’t make a special of giving things, then she can’t get mad at me. It suxs, but that is the best thing I could come up with, that our not giving anyone anything, which suxs even more because I am letting one bitch dictate what I can and cannot do. I still caught flack over it from my boss, she thought it was very evil and sick to exclude someone from gifts. I reminded her that those were the rules she has given to me, and I don’t want to risk loosing my job over not abiding by them. I would have asked for my boss’s opinion before hand, but she has been unapproachable the last few months. So I did the best I could, like always, I am just trying to muck my way threw this situation that I have created.

The one lady retired that I used to hang out with. I didn’t go to the party. I did donate toward her gift. Even thought she gave up on me, I still wanted to help out in some small way. She didn’t know that I had donated, no one does. It was just some stupid thing that I wanted to do. She is gone, I ran into her before she left and congratulated her. She wanted me to call some time. Ya, right. How am I supposed to call her and talk to her now, after she wanted nothing to do with me almost all year? Why do I want to hear her go on and on about all the fun she has with the group I am no longer welcomed around? Beside, I don’t have her phone number anymore, I tossed it.

Spending Christmas at my grandparent’s house wasn’t very enjoyable. Having to be around several of my jack ass cousins that I would like to deck. I behaved, didn’t throw punches, or cuss them out. I respect my grandparents to much to do that in their house. So I just kept to my self, and tried to keep my Grandmother from over doing it.

None of my friends called me, or had lunch with me over the break. That hurt a lot. That I think was one of the most painful things that happened all year. I wasn’t even wanted around during Christmas. I guess that also finalizes it.

Even my Birthday ‘celebration’ at work was rough, and it wasn’t just because of the whole patches thing. Usually my birthday just gets tossed in with our Christmas party. I have no problem with sharing the party, in fact I prefer it. The holidays are crazy enough as is, why should my birthday add to it? This year however, it was celebrated all by itself, which really surprised me. It was nice; we went out for lunch as a department. I felt bad when the bill came, because I know that this time of year is hard on everyone’s pocket book. The bill got argued over, and I felt bad that everyone felt obligated to take me to lunch. Back at the office it didn’t get much better with the cake. Everyone is already maxing out on sweets, or thinking about the holiday pounds. No one really wanted the cake, but ate some for the same reason they went to lunch. I hope for now on we just stick to one December party.

About the only thing that did go nice was spending some time with my sister over the break. I did enjoy spending time with my Grandparents to, but it was also painful. They keep talking about wills, and who will get what, how they want to be cremated, and how if one of them goes they will not be able to go on with life. I don’t want to dwell on death; I want to spend time with my grandparents when I visit them. I will have plenty of time to dwell on it when they do die; I want to spend what little time I have with them on other things.

The important thing is, I got threw 2006. I am a little older, hopefully a little bit wiser, and a little less naive.

One day at a time......


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