Sunday, July 23, 2006

I just don’t know. I don’t know what to do. A few weeks ago I was told that no one hates me, no one dislikes me, just relax. So did I do something wrong, or did I just misunderstand that they just mean no one likes me and wants me around?

All week I couldn’t manage to do anything right. All week whenever my boss talked to me it was to tell me something I was doing wrong. “Don’t defend the new hirers with me. You better never question me, or defend them in front of them.” All week the only thing I heard was what I was doing wrong.

I wonder if I should just give up. If I should just leave. If the department would just be better off without me. One girl will not even talk to me, and hates it when I even go the half of the office she is on. The hourly will not talk to me with my boss or the one girl around. Infact when I just happened to bump into her in the hallway we were chatting and having a good old time, but as soon as my boss saw us, she looked like she was in trouble. My boss even asked us ”What are you guys doing?” Like I said my boss only talks to me to tell me what I am doing wrong, or to brag about what wonderful thing the one girl has done now. The new people still talk to me, but I wonder how long till that changes. Only one that even asks me to do anything outside of work anymore is my programmer friend that I have known for about ten years. He is the only one that even invites me to lunch. I can’t help solve any problems at work, and only a few of the programs that I work have gone live for the past few months, if not years. Anything that I do I have to wonder if I am fucking something up. Maybe I should put in that application at Lockheed, start over. I just don't like giving up, and running away from problems. But sometimes maybe it is time to give up...

Why is it all my friendships end up where the only time I am wanted is when I can save them time or money? I guess I will be wanted around then, but until then I will not be asked to hang out, go out to eat, or do anything fun with anytone.


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