Tuesday, July 11, 2006
I don’t even know why I have a camera at this point. The memories from photos are still painful. Everyone smiling, everyone having a good time, back before the dark ages, before the depression. Friday was the first time all year that I have even brought my camera to work. I handed it to another co worker to take pictures. Today I copied all the photos to a PC so that everyone can see them. I haven’t even looked at the photos. A few people commented that there were some nice shots. Maybe some other day I will look at them. I have only used my camera on my trip to Yellowstone this year, other words my brother is the only one using it. I have a ton of music that I don’t play any more, a classic car that I don’t work on or drive any more, hundreds of hobbies that I don’t fiddle with anymore. I just lost interest in all of it.
A friend of mine came up to visit; she just got back from vacation. I kind of held back in the background. I wasn’t sure if she wanted to see me, and just came up to say hello to the other. When she saw me, she gave me a hug, a tin with candy, and said that she used up all the memory from her camera. I damb near cried.
We have two new people in my department. I am working with them, helping them with training. It is nice, nice to be able to work with someone that I don’t have to feel that I am being judged for every word that I say, for every action that I do. It is nice to not have to worry about what they are thinking, what they are analyzing, what they will get hung up over. They came into the department when I started to get better control, and understanding of my problems, so they don’t know the Mr. Hyde side of me. They freely come to me with questions, freely talk with me, they seem to feel comfortable with me, they are not wondering if they say anything that will set me off. I am finding that I even feel comfortable being myself around them, and I feel more at ease. I don’t wonder what they are talking about. They don’t bust out in Polish, or Urdu, or Tagado, or Spanish and start a conversation with someone else; leaving me wonder if I messed up, made a mistake, or am being talked about behind my back right in front of me. God, some times I just want to quit and start all over at some other place… I cried myself to sleep for the first time last night in a long time, not for any one thing that has happened, but just over many things, many painful things that are going on this month.
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A friend of mine came up to visit; she just got back from vacation. I kind of held back in the background. I wasn’t sure if she wanted to see me, and just came up to say hello to the other. When she saw me, she gave me a hug, a tin with candy, and said that she used up all the memory from her camera. I damb near cried.
We have two new people in my department. I am working with them, helping them with training. It is nice, nice to be able to work with someone that I don’t have to feel that I am being judged for every word that I say, for every action that I do. It is nice to not have to worry about what they are thinking, what they are analyzing, what they will get hung up over. They came into the department when I started to get better control, and understanding of my problems, so they don’t know the Mr. Hyde side of me. They freely come to me with questions, freely talk with me, they seem to feel comfortable with me, they are not wondering if they say anything that will set me off. I am finding that I even feel comfortable being myself around them, and I feel more at ease. I don’t wonder what they are talking about. They don’t bust out in Polish, or Urdu, or Tagado, or Spanish and start a conversation with someone else; leaving me wonder if I messed up, made a mistake, or am being talked about behind my back right in front of me. God, some times I just want to quit and start all over at some other place… I cried myself to sleep for the first time last night in a long time, not for any one thing that has happened, but just over many things, many painful things that are going on this month.
