Thursday, July 06, 2006

Well this month will be kind of hard. The reason is that two friends that I used to be really close to are having their birthday some time this month. It is going to be really hard, I don’t think they have anything against me, but I am not very sure of myself and how (if) I fit in anymore. I am doing better than I have been, but for me this feels...odd.

It is a huge change from last year. Last year I was invited to go to Mexico with them and some other friends. We drank beer on the beaches, spent a night in a hotel, braided my hair into corn rows, and had a good time. In fact I was so comfortable, and I am a bit of a tease to begin with, that when a waitress at a restraint called Dick’s asked if it would be ok to pie the birthday girl, I said yes lets do it. Of course, like all my dumb ideas, I realized how much hot water I could be in AFTER the whip cream hit her face... Luckily she was cool with it. I wish I had not left my camera in the car... The other birthday girl was happy to have made it out with just having to wear a dumb paper hat.

I never would have dreamed that a year later I would be so unsure of myself, that I don’t know if I should even wish them a happy birthday.

I guess what I will do, is if the department has a card for any of them, I will just stay safe and sign my name. If we go out as a department, I will go and try to have fun... For the one friend, maybe a gift card to a store, or restraint we used to eat at all the time. Maybe not. I hope that will be ok. If I happen to be invited to do something with the group I used to hang with, I can see if it is possible to salvage something after more than half a year of me not being welcome. If not, oh well, it was fun for the bit it lasted. Of cores the other possibility is that nothing was planed... but knowing them, something probably will be. Something involving margaritas, which is ok, I can’t drink alcohol anymore. I am too close to becoming an alcoholic right now, and I don’t need to add that to my problems.

One day at a time. One struggle at a time. One pain at a time. One disappointment at a time. One..............


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