Monday, July 31, 2006

Apparently my head is made of some of the dense substance in the galaxy. Maybe I should donate my head to science when I am gone. They can study it and make armor plating out of it.

I can’t hear the clue phone. People can tell me things and I just don’t get it.

Ok, a few weeks/months (?) ago I was sat down by my boss and coworker. I was told no one hated me, no one disliked me, relax, be more like the other programmer that is ‘cured’ from depression, he is perfect, he interacts great, he is wonderful, we love being around him again, treat her professionally, if I give her a task then drop it and trust her to do it. Well I thought I had been doing that. Relaxing, interacting with the department, getting involved in conversations only when other are jumping in, having minimal contact with her. I guess I wasn’t doing enough. She got her hair cut this weekend, and I emailed her saying it looked nice. Next thing I know my boss is calling me out. Fuck, what did I do wrong now? She said that I am not getting it, she doesn’t know how many time she has to say it, treat the girls in the office professionally. Ok, I thought I was. Everyone else commented on the hair. I even commented on my boss’s hair when I first came in. WTF? I am doing what I was asked to do. Apparently I miss understood again… When she said treat her professionally, if I hand her a project trust she will finish it; she meant treat me professionally, if I hand her a project trust she will finish it, and never talk to her unless it is work. Do not comment to her like everyone else is about the weather, hair, and clothing, wish her a happy birthday, or jack shit. Professionally means that she doesn’t exist, period. Now if I need something from her I am to go threw my boss to get it.

I hope I get it right this time. Why can’t people say what they mean? She didn’t mean that this guy is great, he interacts fine, I love it, act like him... She meant that this guy is great, he interacts fine, I love it, act like him with everyone else, but leave me the hell alone you fucking asshole.

My boss thinks that the girl is the smartest person in the world, and I am the fucked up idiot. I was just glad that this time she lessoned to me, instead of jumping down my thought. She let me explain that I was trying to do what they asked of me, relaxing, interacting like the other people, and separating personal life from work. Now she just explained that I just need to not let her exist. There is no such person.

People wonder why I went into depression. Well let’s see. One friend I had driven and helped for two years wants nothing to do with me after she no longer needs a ride to work (one more to add to the list of 'friend'). Being nice got my friend (the girl above) mad at me when I tried helping her too much when her mom was sick. I had a job interview that I was not sure if I was going to cause the same troubles for our department that the last guy we promoted in department. My sister was in college and I was unable to figure out why I was so upset I couldn't use her room when she was away. My cousin just egged my car after I let him use it (another nice thing I did). Two churches that I went to split up over stupid things, one of the churches I had been going to for over ten years and I never dreamed my pastor would do what he did to us... So basically my spiritual base, my moral base, my family base, professional base, and my friend base were all collapsing all around me all at once. Have you ever seen the videos of them demolishing an old high-rise? That was my life, with every pillar being blown out from under it. Now I am re-evaluating everything in my life and building it back up again. Some times it may crumble a bit again, other times things may be found to be unusable, other times it may be relocated to another place, and some of it may be ignored for a time because it is too big to deal with right now. However, the important thing is I am getting my life back, day by day, and learning from and improving upon things.

Why do I keep fucking up friendships?


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