Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Last night I saw that one of my friends in another department was working late, so I decided I would try dropping by since I have been doing a bit better. I haven’t really talked to this friend much, it has been hard. She doesn’t believe I am sick and need medication. She thinks I am just in a pity party and doesn’t enjoy having me around. She was pleasant enough, and asked how my weekend went. She talked a little about all the things that are coming up, a vacation, being swamped at work, having to get ready for a funeral. It felt kind of awkward.

I told her I missed our nights out at a local restraint, and doing lunch. She agreed, and said maybe when she gets back, and things settle down, maybe we will try it again. I stupidly said that I can’t have any drinks, but that would be nice to do again. At that point she said to dump the meds, they aren’t needed. The whole mood went south. Oh well, I will have to remember not to mention anything about my illness around her.

Part of the reason I don’t drink anymore is because of my medication. Another reason is the doctor said that alcohol is a long term depressant. But the main reason I shouldn’t drink is because before I got medical help, I was on my way to becoming an alcoholic. I was self medicating every night after work, trying to do anything to ease the pain and frustration. I know right now, with the mind set I am in it is still a very real threat. Even thought I am doing better, and finally see a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel, I am still desperate for anything that will ‘help.’ I don’t want to fall into that pit. Later when I am back to my old self, maybe I will have a drink, maybe not.


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