Monday, June 26, 2006

Communicating, such a simple little thing can make such a huge difference. Today I had a meeting with two coworkers to try to improve some things in the office. I appreciate, and want any feed back that I can, I want to improve, I want people to feel comfortable around me again, I want things to be ok again, I want to repair some of the damage I have done. Last week I was flying solo, and it scared the shit out of me to do so. I know I made mistakes, I know that I made some growth; I just hope I made more progress than I did mistakes. There was a lot of things covered, a lot of things I need to try to keep in mind. They both said they don’t want o overwhelm me, but they want to try to work things out. It was a little overwhelming, I hope I remember most of it, but I will write down some of it. Writing helps.

I found out that I am doing better, that people can see it, and people appreciate and are happy to see it finally. They are even a bit excited. That was the most encouraging things I have heard in a very, very long time. It is what I need to focus on, and keep in mind. That ya, I messed up, everyone does, but it is OK, it is OK, and people understand and are willing to forgive me for it. I need to chill, and focus on that. They want me to focus on that most, and try to be myself. Focus on myself, and not worry about everyone else. Try to be happy with myself, and be happy with being me again. Forgive myself; I am the only one that is holding me from fitting in and being apart of the team again. Stop second guessing myself and doubting myself.

Everyone is different. What one person may find helpful may just be an annoyance to another. I know this sounds very fundamental, and basic. But I didn’t get it. Ya, I didn’t get something that should be fundamental and basic, something that at one point I knew without having to think about it. It feels like I am starting over, and it is really frustrating to see something that should be so simple, wasn’t obvious to me right now for some reason. However, one of the things I am coming to terms with is that for me, little fundamental stuff, can be a monumental concept to try to grasp, or remember, or come to terms with, or that I have to relearn. Some things I didn’t have to start over with, other things have stayed with me. I have had to learn many new ways to cope with things, until it started to come back. But it is coming back, bit by bit. It was like a large part of my life had collapsed all around me with this depression shakeup. It really affected me a lot, because it was so alien to me, I got frustrated with things, I wasn’t being me, I wasn’t understanding the things and feelings that I was going threw, and it made no sense at all, I felt like I got slipped Dr. Jekyll poison, and was turning into Mr. Hyde. I don’t like this analogy too much, because it sounds like I am not in control, and like I am trying to come up with excuses. I am not; I take full responsibility for my actions, because ultimately I am responsible for how I act. It is just the closes I can explain how I feel, what I went threw, how much out of control I felt of my own feelings and emotions, and how overwhelmed I was with myself. Now I am left to accept my losses, come to terms that this did happen to me and that it is real, seek help and guidance to try and clean up and find what valuables and structure I can salvage, accept that some people can help, be grateful for the ones that are helping, and keep in mind that some people may help me put one brick of my life back on top of the other well others may come around later to help with the furnishing. Ok, maybe a really bad analogy, but basically, remember that the people that are willing to help me, may not be as noticeable, or may not be ready to help out right now. It doesn’t mean they don’t care, they may just be helping out in their own small way, or may not be ready to help, or I may not be at a point in my ‘rebuild’ to have their help.

I need to let go. Yes, I am doing better with being professional and communicating, however I need to also understand that part of being professional with someone is letting go of something when I entrust then with it. I didn’t know that it was insulting to some when I check back with them, either from my curiosity, or from my desire to try and get some feedback, it doesn’t matter my reason, it is still insulting to some. I also need to be willing to let go of my past mistakes, and hardest of all, let go of how things used to be. Life is always changing, and people change too, and some people do not hold a grudge. So I need to work on that. I need to remember that things will not be the same, no mater how much I enjoyed sitting on a beach, drinking beer and hiving a good time, that may not ever be possible again. And it may not be just because of what I had gone threw, or done. There are other complications to the friendship that we enjoyed, like having time, crossing professional and friend boundaries, and even spending too much time together to where it wasn’t special anymore. So it may not be all me; however I did have a part in it. I have to start over, hope for the best, find where I stand, and make the most of it. Thankfully, it sounds like there is some hope of salvaging maybe an after work beer, or maybe having a lunch together possibly some time. I don’t know, and I don’t want to rush anyone, including myself. That is hard, because I am so excited, I am finally after all these months, seeing some hope of being me again, however I need to remember that things will not be like they were, just because I am better. I also can’t get my expectations up, because I don’t want to possibly crash too badly right now. I need to get back into it again, but I need to be ok with taking it slow. Like after an auto accident, I need to get back behind the wheel. I may not want to jump right onto the freeway, I may not be ready yet to take passengers with me, and people may not want to be a passenger yet. I need to be patient with myself, and respectful of others.

I need to keep in mind to communicate important things, which I am doing better with. I need to improve on how I communicate with people though. I need to remember that some people prefer an email, and others prefer that I wait or come back later when they are not busy. However depending on the importance, exceptions are alright.

I don’t need to apologize for everything. I thought I was doing the right thing by apologizing for my mistakes, but things that I perceive as a mistake, others may not see as such. It can then be more insulting, and annoying to them. That was a good thing to find out, because I never dreamed that an apology for something little can be more of an insult than a help.

I am doing better, but I still need to work at empowering others. I need to let them make changes, or fix things on their own. No mater how much I may want to help, I need to trust that they will ask for help, when and if they need it. If I give too much information, I am insulting them. If I give too little, they will ask. Finding this out hurt most of all, because it is now one of the few things that mater to me. I don’t want to hold anyone up from achieving their full potential. I don't want to stifle, or hold someone back. I really don't. So I found out that I didn't do as bad as I feared, I just hovered, and gave too much info. We agreed that if they say, 'I got it' let them be. If they say 'drop it', I am on my way to getting a bitch slap.

Above all else, don’t say that she broke something. It slipped out, I didn’t even realize I had said it, but I did. I need to work on remembering that some things may have been funny at one point, but I need to learn to read people better on when it is getting old.

There is hope. There is truly hope. I am more hopeful, and will strive to keep what I have learned in mind. They said that it is ok if I mess up, just try, try to remember, try to improve, try to relax, try to get better, try to do better, and try to remember that no one is mad at me, I haven’t messed up that badly, I am a valuable member of the team, I do bring something to offer, I do make a difference, I do earn my keep, and some of the things I thought I messed up by wasn't even noticed. People have been more than tolerant and understanding. There is some misunderstanding, however they are willing to try and work with me on it. They see that part of the problem is that I just may not see something the same way they do, however they like me enough to try and work it out with me. They still like me, no one hates me. Some things never stop to amaze me. I hope they do not see that as an insult, because it truly isn’t intended as one. I just am not used to working in an environment where mistakes are tolerated, and people that make them are tolerated. Wow, I think I just put my finger on something. Wow.


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