Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Wow, things have been busy. The other weekend I helped my sister move back into her dorm at UCI. She is totally stoked for the new quarter. My programming friend/coworker went off on vacation last week, right after patching. No big problems came up, and the few that did show up, we were able to take care of them.

My old ‘friend’ came up last week and gave me a t-shirt with a black lab on it. Thanked me for letting her borrow the memory stick for her camera, and said she will get it back to me soon. She said that her dog is doing ok, and that she is busy catching up with catching up on hanging out with her friends. I didn’t see her again until we bumped into each other in the parking lot. She was bemoaning how the waiter recognized her friend, but not her. I think this is the first time someone has not recognized her. She is a very memorable person. All I could say is that she must just not be getting out much.

I got my memory stick back. My boss gave it to me. I guess she asked my boss to get her pictures off of it and give it back to me. After I got the t-shirt, my boss was asking me what I thought of her now. I guess that is a valid question, since I had been very unstable and changing my feelings for a person off of every action they did. I explained to her that I still feel the same as before. I don’t know where the friendship stands, if it can be called that anymore. My boss/friend is trying to understand, and I can see it saddens her to hear this from me, but it has been hell for me to get to this point. It is has been hell every time I think about, hear about, or see her; because I do not know. However, I am at a place now where it is not as painful. I had to get to a place where I don’t care. I don’t care because caring and wondering was tearing me up inside. I can’t tear myself up over someone that probably doesn’t even give me a second thought. I have seen, meet, and heard how she treats other people that used to be as close a friend as I was. I don’t want to be those people.

Like one of the guys in our group told me. It is like credit with a bank. I have damaged my credit with them, and now I need to work to try and fix it. Ok, fair enough. I have tried to talk to, have lunch, or just interact on small scales with all of them on individual levels. They forget lunch, leave me standing waiting, say they don’t have time, or will spend the time they are talking to me about how much fun they had with the group the other day. Well, I think the thing he forgot to understand is that the flip side of the credit analogy is the reaction of the ‘customer’ to the ‘bank’ when they keep getting shafted. They become disenchanted with the bank when they keep getting ‘turned down’ and go looking for another bank that will accept that ‘customer’, mistakes and all, or the person will rely on himself. Well I tried, now I am shopping around and relying on myself.

One day at a time.


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