Saturday, May 06, 2006

Yesterday wasn't a very good day for me. My boss wanted to take everyone out for lunch for Cinco de Mayo, but I didn't go. I didn't eat anything until I got home and forced myself to eat some stew. I just didn't feel hungry, and didn't feel like exerting the energy to do something that I no longer find enjoyable. I could eat dog food or tri tip and it wouldn't make any difference to me. I feel like a robot on auto pilot, just going threw motions of the day.

Damb this is so frustrating. I had one good week, and then the next week was just muggy for me. It could have been because of the weather, it could just be me fluctuating, I don't know. But last Friday I had a hard time waking up, and I was more emotional than normal. So I figured I didn't have any meetings, had finished my part of the project that was now given to the users for testing (which they never get to until weeks later with every other project. I still have at least ten projects that have been in testing status some of them are over a year), and I felt I couldn’t give work the focus I should, so I too the day off and spent some time outside in the sun. I was feeling a lot better when I came in Monday, but I could tell my boss was upset and disappointed in me. I hate to disappoint her, it breaks my heart to see that I have done something to cause her trouble.

Later in the day we started to talk, she has been my support threw this whole ordeal. She was the one that encouraged me to see a Dr. We tried to figure out why last week was not a good week. When we got to the department lunch we had Thursday, I admitted I wasn't comfortable during it. She started to jump to conclusions, and I got overwhelmed. I couldn’t think fast enough to form intelligent sentences and it just got over blown. I wanted to tell her wasn't comfortable in groups, I get lost in the conversations, I can't keep up, everyone is laughing and having a good time, and I get lost and feel out of the loop. I was just expecting it to be lunch with her and one other close friend. But I couldn't, I couldn't grasp that idea and form it into a comprehensive sentence. I think all I did was just frustrate her more because of my inability to do so, and all her confusion and frustrations with me just came out. She doesn’t know what to do with me, isolation out of the office, administrative leave, demotion, and my job is in jeopardy.

All week long this has been on my mind. There has only been one other person that was placed in a separate office, then administrative leave, and then was let go. This was a person the whole office was afraid of. Is anyone in the office afraid of me? I haven’t seen the hourly employee that was helping with the office paper work. Has she left because of me? I haven’t said more than hello and shake her hand when my boss introduced us. I don't know. All I do know is that my boss was not the first to get frustrated with me. My other friend told me that I was wearisome to be around, that this whole problem started when I was invited to go to Mexico with them, and that having a Christmas party was probably a mistake. Later she told me she didn’t mean it, and still liked having me as a friend, but she doesn’t call me on the weekend any more or return my call like she used to.

I don't know what to do. Maybe I have been too much of a burden on my friends, and maybe I am too much of a moral buster for a already stressed out, and understaffed office. I just don't know what to do. If I quit my job, things may be better for the office, but they would just be more understaffed and I wouldn't be able to continuer my medical treatment for this potently fatal illness. Also I would be giving into this illness and giving up on something that at one time I loved, and looked forward to the next morning to go to work. I don't want to give up; I just don't know what to do but continue to give it time hold out for the sun to break threw the clouds.

I just found out I forgot to charge my cell. It had a voice mail from my boss, when they were at lunch. She wanted to know if I would like her to bring me something back... Great, now I am going to short out my keyboard...


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