Monday, May 01, 2006

This is so frustrating! For one week I was feeling more like my old self again. I was looking people in the eye, grinning a little, feeling good, and even enjoying myself a little when our department went out for lunch… This seamed to be some major progress considering I found excuses to ditch out on the last three department lunches. Then for some reason last week I fell back in this pit and I don’t know why. Nothing changed at home, the office, or in my life. I just started to get depressed again. The Dr. said it may be the weather, being overcast and rainy, or it may be nothing more than just something chemical going on in my body. She said we can increase my medication, but I am not sure if that is what is needed considering I had done well earlier. I don’t know but it sux and I don’t understand it and it frustrates me. There is no good reason I should be depressed right now, but I am.

It’s painful having my friends try to figure out if what they are saying or doing is helping or hurting me. It is depressing not being talked to or asked out to lunch. I know it only make sense, who in their right mind wants to spend time with a depressed nut? It doesn’t make any sense that I am sitting here with a cheese burger and my favorite season fries and I have only forced myself to take three bits and munch on a few fries. I only had half a cup of milk for breakfast, and forgot about having lunch. I am loosing track of time, and didn’t even realize when my boss left for the day even thought she has to walk right past me. It hurts to even hear people laughing and having a good time, because I used to be a big part of that, now I have a hard time even laughing at what should be a really good joke. I can’t stop my leg from twitching for the last few weeks, even thought my big toe is now starting to hurt.

It makes no sense; I got a promotion to the position that is basically what I have been doing for the last year or so. So I am not doing anything that I have never done before. I don’t have any major new responsibilities. My boss, God bless her, is trying her best to work with me threw this depression instead of firing my ass like she should. Maybe I should take her up on the idea of relocating me to a separate location away from anyone. At least then I won’t be depressing anyone else in the office, making anyone feel uncomfortable, or driving anyone crazy with my constant thumping. Maybe with me gone my coworkers can get back to normal and having fun again. Enjoying there work, not wondering if they should go to lunch, or talk and have a good time, because they don't want to involve me. I just don’t know.


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