Friday, August 18, 2006


Yesterday was a good day. My sister is back from UCSD. We have addressed the issues with registration (fingers crossed, knock on wood, and all that too). For the first time in a very long time, my boss invited me to get a cup of tea and I didn't fear that she wanted to talk to me about something that I messed up. Later that day she asked me to lunch and we just had a good time. It is about damb time! It feels like forever since I have been able to do any of that.

I am feeling more comfortable in the office, I know how I am expected to behave in the office, I am better separating the coworker/boss/friend aspects, and I am feeling less paranoid over how people feel about me. Actually this 'catastrophe' I think actually helped me personally. I felt like I was contributing, I didn't find myself second guessing myself nearly as much, and I figured out the problem working with everyone in the department. My boss and coworkers showed confidence in me, and that was a huge boost. They let me work, came to me with data or info that they found and wanted my input and opinion, and didn't really stress out over it much. The lack of stressing, asking, and pressing made me feel that they trusted me, and my abilities. So why should I question myself. In fact this problem stumped everyone, so I didn't feel that stupid when I couldn't get a solution right away. I think it also reminded people of the fact that I really do take my job seriously and will do whatever it takes for the department; and it showed (me included) that I can take charge, take responsibility, and even handle pressure once again. Some good came out of it, and my boss is ok with how things went.

I am even worrying about my old 'friendships' less. I am letting go. I can’t really see any hope or clue that it can/should be repaired, or get back to the way things were. I have seen how they don't want me around when I am down. I don't need fair weather friends. A friend to me is someone that can be counted on in the bad times and the good. I am not mad with them, I can't really blame them. I am just disappointed. I have even seen some of them in a new light. I am no longer blinded and coming up with every excuse I can try to fool myself with, to try and think they are something they are not...

It has been a long hard road, but it is getting better day by day. I have had a lot of help, encouragement, family, doggies, and a small number of real friends to help me this far. I have no doubt now I can make it all the way.


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