Tuesday, August 29, 2006

How much pain am I to endure? Today one of my old 'friends' contacted me. She wanted to borrow a memory stick that I had said she could use before. She is going to her daughter's wedding this weekend. Fine, I had offered before, no big deal. She asked me if I knew why I was not invited to the wedding. Oh joy, just what I want to do right now, bring up why I am no longer wanted around her anymore.

'Well it is because I have gone threw this change.'
'No it has nothing to do with that. '
'OK, it is because the girl that I work with doesn't want me around anymore because of what I have been going threw.'
'Yes, that is the only reason other words you would be at the top of my list.'

Isn't that what I just said the first time? Is this supposed to make me feel better? I would be welcomed if that girl would allow it?

I lent her the memory stick, because that is just the type of guy I am. You can kick me in the balls, but if I had told you I would help you, I am a man of my word.

As I was getting ready to leave, she repeated that is the only reason I am not going. That is it, I can't put up with this anymore.

I told her that it does hurt not going, but that doesn't hurt nearly as much as everything else, the little things. You used to email me jokes all the time. You used to invite me out to eat just because. You used to talk to me. Now it is just her walking right past me and straight to the corner where that girl is. When you do talk to me you are telling me about how you have been showing everyone this and telling everyone that, and then being surprised when I have no clue what she is talking about. You forget you never talk to me; I am no longer part of 'everyone'. I know you don't invite me to things when that girl that hates me is invited and I understand that, but we used to do many things that she never got invited to or was able to come to. That is what hurts. That is what is painful, it is knowing and remembering those times that are no more. Do you remember the last time I had diner or anything with you after work? It was when we gave you that camera almost 7 months ago! Then the only time I hear from you is to see if I can take you to Costco to get your camera's photos printed. The only time, never just because. The last time we really talked you told me that I am too painful to be around. What am I supposed to make of any of that? What am I to think when I am completely ignored when that girl is around?

She said that all that will change when she gets back. She misses our times out to lunch just because, and happy hour. She was glad I told her all that. She said that that girl doesn't control her, she is her own person. It just goes to show how busy and crazy things get around here at work.

What am I to make of this now? I guilted her into hanging out with me? She is never too busy or hectic to hang out with everyone else or talk to everyone else. I see it all the time, and the few times that we do talked when we were at Costco she just went on and on about how much fun she had the other night with everyone and what not. She can't invite me to hang with her even thought I am 'number one on her list' because she is hanging out with that girl. So the girl that doesn't control what she does, controls her from being around her 'number one' person? For someone that doesn't have any control over her, she sure does have a lot of pull.

I think she miss understood, I am not telling her this to get back together. I have already let go, I am just lending her the memory stick because I had offered her it a long time ago. I was just letting her know that I don't care at this point about the god damb wedding. It was how she has treated me for the last 7 months that has caused me to give up. Why would I want her as a friend? How much more does she want to screw with me? How much more pain does she want me to go threw? Does she want to see me beg? Does she want me to plead with her some more to let me hang out with her? I am sorry but I am done with that. Good bye.

I will still be polite. I will still be nice. That is who I am. But I can't consider her a friend anymore. It is just too painful. It is too painful knowing that at any moment she will do it all over again to me, and not care.


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