Wednesday, June 29, 2005

It the past few months I have seen an interesting phenomenon happening in Azeroth. Many aged and more experienced adventurers are defecting to the other side and starting over, or re-rolling. Why is this happening, especially now after Azeroth is in even more danger than ever before and has started recruiting adventures for the Battle Grounds campaign? It was so profound a quest, and it is the only one I ever got without talking to someone. There can only be one way I got this quest. I’m on a mission from God! I put on my shades and set out on my quest.

My first stop is in Tinker Town to see the smartest of the Gnomes, Tinkmaster Overspark
DI: 'Oh wise Overspark. I’m on a mission from God to find out why so many of the alliance forces are defecting.'
TO: 'Hum, interesting. I never stopped to form a hypothesis on this perplexing case. Bring me 3 Whirring Bronze Gizmo,2 Silk Cloth,1 Jade, and 1 Bronze Tube to create a contraption to process all the possible reasons, or it will make cure for the irradiated gnomes. Either way it should be a blast.'
DI: "That stuff is expensive and hard to find at my level. What do I get for it?"
TO: "experience and a slight reputation increase.'
DI: "OK, I guess I have an empty page in my quest book. /accept"

As I walk threw the Forlorn Cavern a Rogue /whispered to me
SharpBlade:"I hear that you are poking you noise around in the matter of our guys defecting. I lost a close friend of mine, he went Shaman. You should go talk to SI:7 Master Mathias Shaw. You didn't hear it from me."
DI: "Thanks."
SB:"Remember. Blue hates us Rouges; they will not fix our poison, when they know there is an obvious problem with them."
With that he vanished into the shadows.

After a quick jump onto the tram I was in Stormwind City and heading to SI:7. The home of the most elite spies. In fact they probably already know I am coming and will have an easy answer for me.
MMS:"Yes, How can I help you?"
DI:"oh, I thought you would know. I am on a mission from God and I am trying to figure out why so many people are defecting Azeroth."
MMS: "Of course I know that. I just had a bet going with Renzik 'The Shiv' that my source was better than his. Are you sure you want to go threw with this? It is a touchy subject with all the political higher-ups. I can give you the name of the person you need to talk to right now; but before I do, I need you to do me a favor and take this document to Elling Trias, the Master of Cheese. Tell him I sent you."
DI:"um, OK. /accept"

As I crossed into the Trade District I tripped over a drunken Mage that had passed out.
Boozer:"Hic, Whash wheresh ya goings. Whas ya runnning arund ferr in shuch a rushhh?"
DI:"I am so sorry. I am on a mission from God to find out why so many adventures are defecting to the other side."
B:"Hic, I cann tell yas why! Hic! Ish becaushe the govment nevver thought about our retirement." Bozzer is sobering up. "They never thought abouts whats to do with all ush baby boomers, when we got old. The originals plan was to turn Goldshire intos a giant Casino. But alls the crybabysh said it would corrupt the kiddysh. Those crazysh shaid we should just all work with and help train you youngensh, help you withs questsh and shtuff. I didn’t have no 60sh helping me with my questsh and I did fine! Only one helping youngish is LooseScreew over by the orphans. Makesh Mechanical Squirrels fer all the youngesh. Shure we have Onyxia to kill and the Molten Core to explore, but it takes toooo many peoplesh. Too much drama, for not enough rewardsh. There ish also the Battle Groundsh, but the wait ish toooo long and theys close it earlys due to not enoughts peoplesh. Hic. The only thingsh elshe to do ish farm for the Cadillac mount, farm uber lootsh in raidsh, or drink your gold awaysh. It is just eashyer and cheeper to sit downs and drink. Now if you excuse me, I have lootsh of gold, and I am feeling slightly sober." boozer is smashed. "HIC, dumbs govrenmt nos plan, no hic palns. Blue hatesh ush mages, took away our pet and invisible. My Precious...Hic"

After I did three other quests in the serious I came back to SI:7.
MMS:" Ah, Excellent DarkIndy. I always knew I could count on you dwarf Hunters to come threw for me. Here is some money for your troubles and I will let you pick a reward that you cannot let anyone else use."
DI: "But I cannot use maces or cloth belts. I used more money just fixing my gear trying to get this stupid document decoded for you."
MMS:"Do not forget you also get 500 XP and slight increase in reputation in Stromwind."

DI:"Um, aren't you going to tell me the name of the person I can talk to."
MMS:"Oh yes, as you could obviously tell by the exclamation point, I was thinking. Go talk to Jaina Proudmoore, she has a good understanding of the adventurers."
DI:"Ug, I have to go to Menethil Harbor? I always get ganked over there by an Orc Rouge. They need to higher some stronger guards"
MMS:"Ganking on Menethil Harbor? Our sources have found no such thing! I will have to send Tyrion with Spybot to infiltrate its inn."

After dieing five times waiting for the boat to come, I finally managed to hide in the ship's cargo hold. I passed time talking to the only other person that made it on bored, a Druid Night elf.

All In One: "Did you see how I almost stealthed past that Rouge as a cat? He saw me and attacked me, and then I changed into a bear and stunned him with a charge, rooted him before he came to, instant cast healed back to full heath, and then turned into a cheetah to just make it on the boat?"
DI:" Sorry, I was too busy hiding in the bottom of the boat to see that."
AIO:"You should have seen it, it was awesome. I even managed to /raspberry him before we set sail. So what brings you out here?"
DI:"I am on a mission from God trying to find out why so many people are defecting."
AIO:"Oh, that is easy. They think that the grass is greener on the other side. Let me tell you, it isn’t. Have you ever seen the Barrens? It didn't get its name for being green, I will tell you that! Me and some friend use to be Horde Shamans. I just couldn't stand all the dirt and dust. Add to that the fact that Blue hated Shamans, they wouldn’t fix our totems. I will tell you that defecting to Night Elf almost gave me a heart attack with all the bright purple trees! My eyes still hurt! I almost went back to the horde! I love being a druid, except for this one problem and Blue refuses to look at it because they hate us druids."
DI:”Where are your friends?”
AIO:”They changed back to horde before they went Gnome on a RPG server. /cry Now they just spend all their time calling Blue on others that fall out of character. Do you think they will ever come back?”
DI:”I don’t think so. They are too far gone.”

I went to talk to Jaina Proudmoore, but I couldn't even get an audience with here, she just ignored me because I was too low level. Dejected I sat down on the docks, waiting for my boat and the ensuing ganking.

The Big Kahuna:"Why so glum chum?"
DI: "nothing"
TBK:"there has to be something wrong, you are fishing. No one fishes unless they are crazy, board senseless, depressed, or farming. So what is it?"
DI:"Ah, I spent all day on a mission from God to find out why so many are defecting, only to come to a dead end because I am too little. I guess I can go to the AH and get Tinkmaster his items."
TBK: "Do not bother; I did the same quest when I was a bit younger. All that happened was the thing blows up, turning TO into a leper gnome for 12 seconds. I did get some cool schematics for a Discombobulator Ray. As far as JP, she just sends you on a quest to kill a traitor and gives you a ring. It was some cheep jewelry that wasn't even worth my time. You cannot find the answer by questing; you have to talk to people and quest with them. The problem is due to the very nature of people. We are suckers for drama. It feels like a regular soap opera. People get our feeling hurt to easily. You look like a nice guy, join my guild and you can see what I mean. Just watch the guild chat."

The Big Kahuna invited you to the guild [Drama]. Accept Decline?

Squishy: "FoxyPal, Why have you been questing behind my back with Brawny? I thought we had something special. I thought all that questing meant something!"
FP:"Oh, but it did. You just drive me crazy the way your spells start off slow and build up to a climax the way they do. You just have a hard time keeping it going threw the whole quest. I could forgiver you for that, but you broke my heart!”
S:”What do you mean?”
FP:”Don’t play dumb with me! I know what you do when I go [AFK]. You summon that skank succubus of yours. I was willing to let it slide, but you swapped out Big Blue for her when we were in the heat of it, it was too much for you to handle. You got use wiped! You and your fantasies!”
S:”I told you it was a patrol that sneaked up on use. You had that fling with that Mage.”
FP:”I know what I saw. I chose you in the end over that fire Mage, why do you have to bring this up again! I chose you not just because you are better than him, but because I loved you! Sure, he started out strong and went all out, but he didn’t know how to pace himself and he would peter out too quick. He had to sit down and rest after every encounter and have a drink, a couple times he couldn’t make it and I had to revive him."
S:"I thought we had so much in common. Who else will not give you a hard time about the free mount? A Warrior will never understand that."
FP:"Atleast he gives me things!"
S:"You know that I would bring you things baby, it is just my bags are full of these Soul Shards. I cannot help it if Blue hates Warlocks and won’t let me stack these things! I guess you wouldn’t understand that, you Paladins are perfect. You have no problems with guys getting away from you."
FP:"Why did you have to throw in my face the fact I have no range spells?!?! You are lucky that Blue hates use Paladins or I would have thrown something at that small little gnomish head of yours! You what to know something? I enjoyed every minute of that quest with Brawny. He could just keep on going and going. In fact we did the SM twice, it was very enjoyable. He got some sexy + stamina +strength pants. I need me a man that is not just all intellect and spirit; I need a Warrior that has lots of stamina and strength. He can go the distance all night long!"
S:"How cold you do the Scarlet Monastery with another? That was where we meet. I was looking for my wizard hat, but I found you. You were the reason I joined this guild. You are the reason I keep questing."
FP:"Well I was going to not tell you, but that dumb hat dropped, and I sold it to a vender. It felt good too!"
S:"That is the final straw, good by cruel world! I'm going to be a moo cow Shaman! /gquit"

DI:"that is terrible!"
TBK:"happens almost every week, shouldn’t take long before she is /whisper sweat nothings into someone else’s ear. You know Blue hates use Warriors, they will not give use magic spells and people steal our girl too easy."
DI:"Our girl? Don't you mean agro, or threat?"
TBK:"Same difference, think about it. How long can girls put up with a guy that changes his stance on things every second and reacts totally differently for each one? It confuses even me!"
SP:"Say there new guy, how well can you handle that gun of yours? Think you are up to taming me? I can teach you a few new tricks."

On my boat trip back to my home land I talked to a Priest.
DI:"Father forgive me for I /flirt with Paladin behind another mans back."
HolyerThanU:”Continue, what happened next?”
DI:”We went to quest, but it was too much for me. She kept having to res me. Finaly she left me for a Druid, saying she needed someone with more experience.”
HTU:"That’s it? I was hoping for something juicy! For get about it kid, it happens all the time.”
DI:”What do you mean? I thought I did something bad?”
HTU:” I am not that kind of priest. I'm a shadow priest, and I am off to IF to see the nightelfs dance. They are supposed to be in the Dwarf king’s thrown room tonight.
DI:”Isn’t that disrespectful to the king?”
HTU:”Somone /say that but the king just /say ‘It is good to be the King!’ I like that king. /dance is a good way to end a long day of questing.”
DI:"Realy, what quest are you getting back from?"
HTU:"acctualy none, no one wanted me, they picked a druid over me. Blue hates use priest; we should heal 10 times better than anyone else! It is enough to make me want to defect! You know what I found out? A friend of mine who knows someone that has a cousin whose boyfriend works at a coffee shop. You know what his co-worker found out when one of Blue's guys came in. He found out that he plays a cow shaman with his other friends. That proves that Blue hates the Alliance! Come on, tell me that Blue doesn’t hate hunters!"
DI:"Well I guess they still have not given use a way to fully customize my pets."
HTU:"There you go! I would defect, but then I would miss out on all the Night Elf dancing. Look we are back at the docks. Come-on, I will buy you a drink. AHH ..."
Back stab
HolyerThanU is Dead
Back Stab
You are Dead
/yell curse you orc! I will get to level 60 just so I can have my revenge!


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